Yielding to Win!

We meet couples all the time who seem to be in a perpetual tug-of-war.

Somehow, they have convinced themselves that giving up ground or letting the other win means they have lost.

STEVE JOBS, APPLE AND MICROSOFT

In 1997, Apple was in serious trouble. The company was bleeding money, and its arch-enemy, Microsoft, seemed to be pulling further ahead.

Steve Jobs, who had just returned to Apple after a bitter leadership struggle had pushed him out nearly 12 years earlier, walked onto the stage at Macworld and announced something unthinkable: Apple had made a deal with Microsoft.

Jobs explained that Microsoft would invest $150 million in Apple and continue producing Microsoft Office for the Mac. In return, Apple agreed to make Microsoft’s Internet Explorer the default browser on the Mac.

And then it happened: Bill Gates appeared on the big screen behind Steve Jobs…to the boos of Apple loyalists. To them, it looked like Apple had surrendered to Microsoft.

Jobs attempted to calm the crowd as he delivered these now-famous words…

“If we want to move forward and see Apple healthy and prospering again, we have to let go of a few things here. We have to let go of this notion that for Apple to win, Microsoft has to lose…”

What followed was a shift in culture and, over time, a remarkable comeback for Apple.

A CULTURE SHIFT IN YOUR MARRIAGE

It is not uncommon for married couples to have five or six tugs-of-war going on…at the same time!

The Who-Does-More Tug-of-War

*“Why do I have to do everything around here?”

“It’s OK if the place isn’t perfect all the time!”*

The Money Tug-of-War

*“How many times do I have to ask you to give me your receipts?”

“I earn money too! You aren’t the money police!”*

The Attention Tug-of-War

“*You do realize that you’ve been on your phone the whole evening?”

“I’ve worked all day! Can’t I relax for five minutes?”*

The Family Loyalty Tug-of-War

*“You always take your brother’s side!”

“Why does everything have to be a choice between you and my family?”*

But what would happen if you could shift the culture in your marriage, much like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates did?

Maybe it’s time to let go of this notion that for me to win, you have to lose.

What if you began to yield to your spouse…in order to win?

THE BIBLE & SCIENCE

In James 3:17 (NLT), we read some powerful advice… “…the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace-loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others.”

Not surprisingly, The Gottman Institute has found something similar. In a long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, researchers found that husbands who accepted their wives’ influence had happier marriages and were less likely to divorce.

Learning to yield to one another, recognizing emotions, honouring needs and making room for each other’s perspective, can help us build a marriage that is strong and life-giving.

WHAT YIELDING SOUNDS LIKE

In the middle of a tug-of-war, one spouse can lay down the rope and say…

“I didn’t realize how much of the housework you’ve been doing. Let’s make a list, divide this up and take some of the weight off you.”

“You work hard, and I appreciate what you bring to our family. I want you to have spending freedom and for both of us to feel secure about our finances. Can we find a system we both feel comfortable with?”

“I do need some time to unwind. I also hear that you’re missing me. Could I take twenty minutes, then put my phone away so we can have some time together?”

These small tweaks to our responses can go a long way toward showing our spouse that their voice matters.

YIELDING LEADS TO A WIN FOR THE MARRIAGE

Next time you feel that tug-of-war rope tighten in your hands, take a moment. Consider how you might lay down your side of the rope and go join your spouse…and start pulling for them.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: What is one tug-of-war we keep returning to in our marriage…and how do I contribute to keeping it going?

Q: What feelings or needs has my spouse been trying to explain that I may have brushed aside?

Q: When was the last time I allowed my spouse’s perspective to change my mind or influence a decision?

Q: What is one practical change I could make this week to show my spouse that I’ve heard what they are saying?

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