A few years ago I stumbled on the story of a young woman named Rachel Kennedy.  Before February 2021, Rachel Kennedy was a typical 19-year-old student in Hertfordshire, England. She lived with her parents, worked part-time, and dreamed of a future with her boyfriend, Liam. To help make those dreams come true, she set up an automatic withdrawal for the purchase of weekly lottery tickets.
On February 26, she entered her usual numbers: 6, 12, 22, 29, 33, with bonus numbers 6 and 11. The jackpot was a staggering $254 million. The next day, when she checked the results, she couldn’t believe her eyes—her numbers matched. She checked again and again. There was no mistake.

**$254 MILLION REASONS TO CELEBRATE**

What followed was pure euphoria: screaming, dancing, and dreaming aloud about houses, cars, and exotic trips. Her phone even buzzed with a congratulatory message: “You have the winning ticket!”
But when Rachel contacted the lottery to claim her prize, everything began to fall apart.  Although her numbers were correct, the jackpot was real and she held the only winning ticket, the Lottery officials explained that when the automatic withdrawal system tried to take the money from her account, there was only 2.5 euros in it, and the purchase was declined. Despite having the winning numbers, the purchase never went through, so her prize was $0.

**$254 MILLION WORTH OF REGRET**

I can’t fathom such a huge loss from such a simple, routine mistake. When I looked at Rachel’s photo after the shock had settled in, her expression felt all too familiar. It was the same look I’ve seen on countless faces of people whose relationships have fallen apart—regret, missed opportunities, and endless “if-onlys.”  But what if some of that heartbreak could be avoided? Just as Rachel’s loss came down to a few simple oversights—checking her bank balance, setting a reminder—what if a few intentional actions could save a relationship?

In this post, we’ll explore The 7 Marriage Mistakes Most Couples Make—and some surprisingly effective fixes! Because while relationships can be complicated, some of the solutions might be simpler than we think.

**MISTAKE #1 – Losing Your Curiosity**

Marriages often experience relational atrophy (a loss of strength and connection) and relational entropy (a loss of heat and passion). Couples start coasting, apathy creeps in, and they begin taking each other for granted. The curiosity that once fueled their bond fades away. When curiosity dies, couples miss valuable opportunities to grow closer. Over time, we all change—our dreams, struggles, and interests evolve. Staying curious keeps your connection vibrant and shows your partner they’re worth knowing deeply.

THE FIX – Stay Curious and Engaged. Never assume you know what’s going on in your spouse’s day, mind, or heart. Instead, ask! Ask meaningful questions, listen intently, and cultivate a mindset of lifelong curiosity about your partner.

**MISTAKE #2 – Expecting Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader**

It’s easy to assume that being in a close, intimate relationship—what the Bible describes as ‘oneness’—means your spouse can read your mind or intuitively understand your preferences. But the truth is, no one can read minds—not even the person who knows you best. Expecting your spouse to instinctively know your needs, feelings, or desires creates a breeding ground for frustration and disappointment.

THE FIX – Communicate Clearly and Regularly. Recognize that your spouse can’t read your mind. Make it a habit to use clear and honest communication to express your needs, desires, and preferences. Additionally, asking your spouse thoughtful questions to uncover their expectations and feelings can foster better understanding and connection.

**MISTAKE #3 – Becoming Defensive**

Defensiveness is like building a wall and hiding behind it while aiming your most lethal weaponry at your partner. When walls and weapons become part of a marriage, the relationship quickly feels combative rather than collaborative. In moments of criticism or conflict, it’s natural to feel defensive, but this reaction shuts down communication and creates a barrier to intimacy.

THE FIX – Replace Defensiveness with Humility and Empathy. Recognize your tendency to build walls and arm yourself during conflicts. Instead, make a conscious effort to lower your defenses—open the gates, step out from behind the wall, and set down your weapons. Practice listening with humility and empathy, focusing on understanding your partner rather than reacting.

**MISTAKE #4 – Settling Into Ruts**

I once heard someone say, *“A rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out!”* In other words, ruts are where relationships go to wither and die. While routines can be helpful, they become dangerous when they turn into thoughtless habits that drain the energy and joy from your relationship.

THE FIX – Regularly assess your marriage for signs of stagnation.  When you spot a rut, don’t ignore it—take action to fill it in. Keep your relationship vibrant by trying new activities, breaking old patterns, and embracing spontaneity in your time together. Fresh experiences can breathe new life into your connection.

**MISTAKE #5 – Becoming Opponents Instead of Partners**

Many couples not only mishandle their defensive moves but also misfire with their offensive strategies. When faced with a problem or challenge, the default mindset should be, “It’s us against the world,” not, “You’re the enemy.” When spouses treat each other like adversaries, they miss the wonder of tackling a problem together.

THE FIX – When disagreements arise, remember you’re on the same team.  Approach challenges as partners working toward a common goal, not as opponents trying to win. Say something like, *“Let’s put this problem in the middle of the table and attack it together, instead of attacking each other.”* Working together shifts the focus from conflict to collaboration.

**MISTAKE #6 – Keeping Score**

There’s nothing like a clean slate! Imagine all your sins and mistakes written on a chalkboard. When you put your faith in Jesus Christ, He takes a supernatural eraser and wipes them all away (see 1 John 1:9 and Hebrews 8:12). Having received such incredible grace and forgiveness, we are called to extend the same to our spouse: *“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”* (Ephesians 4:32, NIV).

Marriage isn’t about tallying points or holding grudges. Keeping score breeds resentment and turns your relationship into a competition instead of a partnership built on love.

THE FIX – Burn the scorecard. Process and address hurt or offenses honestly, then forgive and move forward—never to bring the mistake up again. Focus on serving each other selflessly and forgiving quickly. This is the key to cultivating lasting harmony and a love that thrives.

**MISTAKE #7 – Letting Passion Fade**

A campfire will eventually lose its heat and die out if no new fuel is added. In the same way, a marriage, especially after years or decades, will lose its spark without intentional effort to keep it alive.

THE FIX – Add fresh fuel to your marriage. Pursue each other intentionally and create moments that surprise and delight your spouse. This could mean leaving unexpected sticky notes, planning thoughtful date nights, giving small gifts, arranging romantic gestures, embarking on new adventures, or reigniting intimacy. Rekindle the passion that made you fall in love in the first place, and keep the fire burning strong.

Just as Rachel's dream of winning the lottery was shattered by a simple oversight, many couples face heartbreak in their relationships due to small but significant mistakes. However, unlike Rachel's situation, the good news is that these mistakes don’t have to be the end of the story. By staying curious, communicating clearly, embracing humility, and keeping the passion alive, couples can avoid the pitfalls that lead to regret and rebuild a strong, thriving relationship. Just as one small mistake cost Rachel millions, a few intentional actions can make all the difference in a marriage. Don’t let these common mistakes define your relationship—take proactive steps today to protect and strengthen the bond you share.

**FUEL & SPARK**

Q:	What emotion, if any, does this list of 7 Marriage Mistakes stir in you?  Why do you think that is?

Q:	Which of the 7 Marriage Mistakes best relates to your marriage?  Why?

Q:	If you were to tackle one of these 7 Marriage Mistakes and apply The Fix, which one would it be and why?  What challenges might you face in attempting this one?


Common marriage mistakes that could cost you far more than you might think!

The 7 Marriage Mistakes Most Couples Make!

Founder & Copilot

This blog post is generously provided by our Guest Contributors, [Dave & Ashley Willis](https://www.daveandashley.com)

In my years of working with married couples, I’ve discovered that many marital problems can be traced to issues, struggles and frustrations related to sex. Most couples face the frustration of having one spouse with a consistently stronger sex drive than the other, which often leads to a question: How often should a married couple have sex?

## FREQUENCY MATTERS

With the busyness and stress of life, recent studies suggest that married couples are having less sex than ever. A recent article by [USA Today](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2020/02/07/how-much-sex-should-couples-have/4680968002/) cited a study suggesting most married couples are only making love around once per week (and many couples even less frequently than that). Another study by [CNN found](https://www.cnn.com/2016/09/08/health/great-sex-older-men-women-study/index.html) that for those couples who do have a “high-frequency” sex life (which they defined as 3 times per week), there are noticeable differences in each spouse’s overall health and satisfaction.

If you’re not having sex as often as you’d like, don’t beat yourself up (and don’t give in to the temptation to start blaming your spouse). There are many factors that can hinder a couple’s sex life, and Ashley and I talk honestly and openly about all these factors on [The Naked Marriage podcast](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-naked-marriage-with-dave-ashley-willis/id1437213097); and I’d encourage you to start listening to it if you’re not already. For nearly every solution that hinders a couple’s sex life, there are solutions. Be willing to work together to find the solutions. Your sexual intimacy (and the rest of your marriage) will undoubtedly benefit as a result.

## THE GREATEST MARRIAGE MANUAL EVER!

Below, I’ve listed six reasons why more frequency in your lovemaking could help you, but before we get there, I want to do something different. Instead of launching into this discussion with stats and opinions, I’m going to do something unexpected. I’m going to share what the Bible has to say on the subject. You might have thought the Bible was boring or irrelevant, but it’s actually the greatest marriage manual ever written! Here’s one surprising passage about sex in marriage:

*“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”* (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

This passage above is essentially saying that a married couple should make love as often as either one of the spouses wants to. This is pretty revolutionary. When a couple waits until both spouses are equally in the mood, it will rarely happen! This model requires a mindset of mutual submission and selflessness for the sake of the other, which will not only improve your sex life, but it’s also a great approach to improving the other aspects of your marriage.

## A QUICK DISCLAIMER!

As a quick disclaimer, what this passage is not saying is that one spouse should be able to force the other spouse to be available sexually as if he/she doesn’t have a say in the matter. You always have the right to say no to sex, but when you do turn down your spouse, please do it very gracefully (and hopefully very rarely). If you carelessly or consistently deny your spouse sexually, they might receive an untrue message that says, “I don’t find you attractive, and your needs don’t matter to me.”

The main message of the Bible on marriage and all issues is to love one another. Loving requires protecting, respecting and serving. If you’re tempted to use this passage of Scripture as a manipulative tool to force your own agenda and demand sex, then you’re missing the bigger point about love—and without love, a marriage won’t be healthy. Sex without love is empty. If you’re tempted to always say no to sex because it doesn’t matter to you nearly as much as it does to your spouse, then that’s not showing love either.

## PRIORITIZE YOUR SEX LIFE!

As it relates to sexual frequency in your marriage, I’d encourage you to try to make love as often as the spouse with the higher drive wants to. Depending on age, drive, health factors, schedule and many other considerations, the “magic number” of how often a couple should make love is probably going to look different in every marriage. Based on my experience, the healthiest and happiest couples will prioritize their sex lives and consistently make love at least twice per week. This isn’t practical 100 percent of the time, but make it your goal not to “deprive each other,” and as the frequency of your lovemaking increases, your overall connectedness as a couple will probably increase as well (for the reasons listed below).

Don’t just apply this “higher drive” principle to your sex life. Whichever spouse has the higher drive for communication, you should try to communicate as much as that spouse wants to talk. Whichever spouse has the higher drive for affection, you should strive to meet their need for affection. In all parts of marriage, don’t settle for giving each other the minimum requirement, but strive to exceed each other’s needs.

## SIX REASONS MORE FREQUENCY COULD HELP!

When a couple isn’t consistently connecting in the bedroom, it can start having some major repercussions in other areas of the relationship. When you make consistent lovemaking a habit in your marriage, you’ll be strengthening the marriage in all kinds of ways. Here are just a few examples of how more sex in your marriage could have huge impacts:

1.	It will bring you and your spouse closer together on a physical, emotional and even spiritual level.
2.	Studies suggest high sexual frequency can impact your overall health and well-being.
3.	A recent study on CNN.com suggests that frequent sex (they defined it as at least 3 times per week) could actually make you more successful and profitable in your career.
4.	Greater frequency can lower levels of stress and sexual frustration in your marriage.
5.	Greater frequency can statistically lower the risk and temptations that can lead to adultery.
6.	Greater frequency is fun. Do you really need more reasons?

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: When was the last time we talked openly and without judgment about our sexual expectations and desires?

Q: What factors—physical, emotional, spiritual, or circumstantial—might be impacting our sexual connection right now?

Q: How can we better prioritize sexual intimacy in our weekly rhythm, even when life gets busy?

Q: In what ways can we create a safe, joyful, and grace-filled space to initiate and respond to intimacy more freely?


For more tools to help you build a stronger and more intimate marriage both inside and outside the bedroom, check out Dave & Ashley's latest book, *Naked and Healthy*, and subscribe to [The Naked Marriage podcast](https://xomarriage.com/podcasts/the-naked-marriage/).

Dave & Ashley's [website](https://www.daveandashley.com). 


Want to strengthen your connection, lower your stress, protect your marriage, and even boost your health? It might be time to turn up the heat in the bedroom.

How Much Sex Do You Actually Need?

The next few minutes may very well save your marriage or take it to a new level!   It has it all: money, dreams, betrayal, conflcit, disappointments and sex! 

## THE BLONDE PONYTAIL

About five years into our marriage, I found myself at a pastor’s prayer retreat while Carolyn stayed home, unable to get time off work. Though the term "prayer retreat" might evoke images of silent monks in a monastery, this gathering was anything but. Between sessions of teaching, worship, and prayer, it felt more like a reunion—pastors and spouses catching up over junk food, games, and laughter in cozy chalets.

With Carolyn stuck at home, I was flying solo, and my solo flight was about to hit some pretty unexpected and menacing turbulence.

As I walked into the first session of the retreat, my eyes began scanning the room for anyone I might recognize.  That is when I spotted her—a young woman wearing a ball cap with a blonde ponytail sticking out the back of the cap.  Had I simply noticed that she was very attractive and continued the search for people I knew, all would have been fine.  Yet, I found myself continuing to glance back at her, unable to break the magnetic attraction.  The fact that she was sitting with her husband did nothing to dissuade my glances.

I fought to focus on the session, battling the unwanted thoughts, but the struggle felt impossible. Afterward, I jumped at an invitation to join a group of pastors and spouses for snacks and games at a chalet—anything to escape the distraction.

## NO ESCAPE

Twenty minutes later, I knocked on the door to the chalet. The door swung open to a living room buzzing with youth pastors and spouses. It felt good to be free of unwanted emotions and mental temptations. However, seconds later, ponytail girl came walking out of the kitchen, smiling and offering a bowl full of chips.

My jaw nearly hit the floor.  I scooped it up quickly, turned to the host and made some flimsy excuse for why I needed to leave.

With the snow crunching under my feet, I walked away from the party in the chalet and could not help but feel a bit embarrassed by my naivety – I had thought that this gold band on my finger would have protected me from such blatant wanderings of the heart.  It did not.

## THE HARDEST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE

I knew the only way to kill these unwanted feelings, and wandering eyes was to talk to someone, so I made one of the most daring phone calls of my life.  I called Carolyn and told her about my struggle and the woman with the ponytail sticking out of her ball cap.  

That phone call and the honest conversations that followed became a turning point for us. We resolved to have no secrets and to tackle the tough conversations head-on—especially the five most challenging ones.

Carolyn and I share the full story in *The Relationship Rocket Formula*, but for now, let me encourage you: difficult conversations are worth it. They can strengthen your relationship in ways you never imagined.

## CONVERSATION #1 – Money and Finances

Few topics are as emotionally charged as money. Whether or not we realize it, many of us have a complicated relationship with money. It can spark wild dreams, awaken deep desires, stir feelings of shame, ignite fears, and even fuel power struggles between spouses. It’s no surprise that financial issues are among the most common sources of relational conflict.

Many couples avoid the topic altogether in an effort to avoid conflict. But this approach is like putting a band-aid on a broken arm—it doesn’t address the root issues or offer real solutions.

The key to navigating financial conversations is learning to regulate emotions, communicate without blame or shame, and focus on solving problems together. When couples approach money as a shared challenge rather than a battlefield, almost any financial issue becomes manageable.

The first step is defining reality. It might be uncomfortable, but you need to get a clear picture of your financial situation—credit card debt, monthly expenses, loan payments, mortgage, and bank balances. Often, the fear of the unknown is worse than the reality itself.

Once you’ve defined your current situation, the next step is planning your future. Set goals, create a budget, and tackle your finances as a team. Remember, your partner isn’t your opponent—they’re your teammate. Celebrate small wins along the way to build momentum and confidence.

Addressing money struggles isn’t just about solving financial problems. It’s about building trust, strengthening communication, and fostering a deeper intimacy that will benefit your relationship in every area.

## CONVERSATION #2 – Hurts and Disappointments 

Nothing erodes a marriage faster than unresolved issues lurking in the background. These "skeletons in the closet" have a way of resurfacing, haunting our thoughts, and disrupting our emotional connection.

If you and your spouse haven’t developed a habit of clearing the slate and keeping short accounts, addressing these hidden hurts can feel daunting. But true intimacy in marriage is impossible while old wounds continue to linger in the shadows.

The problem with skeletons is that they rarely stay hidden. They often resurface at the worst times—like during a heated argument—fueling the fire and using your voice to remind your partner of every past disappointment and failure.

If you suspect there are unresolved issues rattling around, start by being honest with yourself. Take time to privately journal your hurts and disappointments, writing each one on a separate piece of paper. This exercise helps you acknowledge what you’re carrying.

Next, share this exercise with your spouse and invite them to do the same. If they’re willing, schedule what Carolyn and I call a "Conference Date." This is a purposeful meeting in a neutral, public setting—like a café or restaurant—designed to create a constructive and safe environment for addressing these issues.

During your Conference Date, gently and honestly work through one item at a time. Acknowledge, own, and forgive each hurt or disappointment. As you resolve each issue, destroy the paper it’s written on—crumple it, shred it, or burn it—as a symbolic act of letting go. This process may take several months, and multiple Conference Dates, but the healing and freedom it brings are worth the effort.

If the weight of these issues feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a coach or counselor. Sometimes, professional support can make all the difference in navigating deep or complex hurts.

## CONVERSATION #3 – Temptations and Vulnerabilities 

I’ll never forget the time in the early years of our marriage when I confessed to Carolyn about my struggle with looking at sensual media. I'm pretty sure it didn't fit the classic definition of pornography, yet it was a persistent temptation, something that quietly pulled at me, and I realized I couldn’t fight it alone.

It was during this season that Carolyn and I embraced a simple yet powerful principle: *what is spoken can be broken*. We discovered that temptations and hidden struggles lose their grip when they’re brought into the light. That little phrase became our rallying cry—a reminder to be honest with each other, even when it was hard.

When I shared my struggle, Carolyn was devastated. She felt compared to and devalued, and her pain led to many difficult conversations as we worked through the emotions together. But that honesty, though painful at first, became a turning point in our marriage. 

One pastor refers to these moments as “*entering the tunnel of chaos.*” It’s a step into the unknown, with no guarantee of how things will unfold. Yet, the only way to experience the closeness and intimacy waiting on the other side is to journey through the tunnel—there’s no way around it, no shortcuts.

Too many couples believe they can avoid these hard conversations and still build a healthy, dynamic relationship. But the truth is, avoiding the tough stuff only creates distance. Real growth and connection require the courage to face the chaos together.

## CONVERSATION #4 – Desires and Hopes

The dream machine in my head admittedly runs about three times faster than Carolyn’s, yet she has her fair share of grandiose dreams. Over the years, her dreams have included leading mission trips to eSwatini, Africa; hosting marriage conferences; upgrading our living room furniture; visiting the royal castles of London and the canals of Venice; hosting three weddings for our daughters; and becoming a grandparent. My list is far too long to name, but some highlights include restoring a mid-’70s Triumph Spitfire, living on an acreage, restoring five old buildings for our church to call home, traveling to far-off places, and a dream still waiting to be fulfilled—owning a sailboat.

Over our nearly 40 years of marriage, we have given one another permission to dream big – after all, dreams are free.  This has paved the way for many adventures.  Yet many of the desires and hopes we find ourselves regularly talking about have nothing to do with travel or adventure.  When one feels a bit neglected, we talk about it.  When one of us would like a little more social time with friends, even though the other is something of an introvert, we talk about it.  When one of us feels the passion tank has been running a little dry, we talk about it.

We often call these discussions our “throwing spaghetti on the ceiling” conversations. It’s a playful way of saying we’re making a bit of a mess, exfoliating our souls, and seeing what sticks. Half the time, nothing sticks, and the idea simply evaporates. But we cherish the chance to get what’s on the inside out into the open.

## CONVERSATION #5 – Intimacy and Sexual Fulfillment

It never ceases to amaze me that couples can routinely take their clothes of, get completely naked, rub their bodies against one another in the pursuit of pleasure yet find it impossible to use their words to talk about their experience.  Obviously, there is something more intimate than having sex – and that is talking about it.

Discussing sex is a skill, much like sex itself—it takes time, practice, and patience to get it right. When couples avoid developing the courage, vulnerability, and vocabulary to talk about their sexual relationship, they miss out on one of the deepest expressions of intimacy.

Instead of offering more theory, let’s get practical. Here are some actionable conversation starters to help you begin this important dialogue. At first, the words may feel awkward or unnatural, and you might be tempted to generalize. Take is slow, push yourself to be as specific as possible and have some fun with it.

•*	“Do you feel comfortable talking with me about our bedroom experiences?”
•	“Can you share what you enjoy most when we’re together sexually?”
•	“How do you feel about the frequency of our lovemaking?”
•	“What do you think could make our sex life even better?”
•	“Is there something we’re not doing that you’d like to try?”
•	“Is there anything I’m doing—or we’re doing—that you’d prefer we didn’t?”
•	“What’s something we’ve never done in the bedroom (or elsewhere) that you’d like to explore?”
•	“Is there anything else on your mind about our intimate connection that you’d like to discuss?”*

These questions are designed to create a safe space for open communication, foster deeper understanding, and help you grow closer as a couple. Take it slow, be honest, and remember to have fun along the way!

## DEFUSING THE EXPLOSIVENESS

For many couples, conversations like these can stir up fear and ignite intense emotions. However, it is through vulnerable and truth-filled words that healing and intimacy are forged. Proverbs 12:18 reminds us,* "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."* 

Similarly, Proverbs 15:1 offers wisdom: *"A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare."*

Difficult conversations are essential, but the way you approach them matters. Ensure your words and tone are gentle, thoughtful, and rooted in love to create an environment where understanding and growth can thrive.

If you and your spouse have been avoiding any of these five critical conversations, here’s a practical starting point:

1.	Sit down together and read this post out loud.
2.	Use the following Fuel & Spark questions to help ignite meaningful dialogue and begin the journey toward deeper connection.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: Which of the 5 Conversations Couples Avoid do you feel like we have been avoiding?  Why do you think we have been avoiding it/them?  

Q: If we were to attempt one of the five conversations, which should we tackle first?  How would you feel about setting up a Conference Date to discuss the topic?  Is it a conversation you feel we can manage on our own or might we need some outside help facilitating it?

Q: What do you think lies on the other side of any tunnels of chaos we may need to walk through conversationally?  What is your hope or vision for what our relationship might become?


These 5 conversations might be uncomfortable, but they’re key to a stronger, healthier relationship!

5 Conversations Couples Avoid - But Shouldn't!

It’s all a bit of a fog in my mind. One minute I was sleeping— the next, I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, watching my own desperate fight for air.

Panic had woken me at 3:54 a.m. last Sunday morning.  Sirens deep in my subconscious were blaring—something was wrong. My chest cold had worsened during the night, and a thick, sticky mucus plug had formed in my airway, blocking it completely.

Now, in front of the mirror, my lungs, starving for oxygen, pulled hard against the obstruction.
My wife, Carolyn, watching her husband suffocate before her eyes, instinctively began pounding on my back. A faint wheezing escaped—proof that air was trying to get through. Encouraged, she kept pounding. Still, the oxygen supply was scant, and I wondered: At what point does a person pass out?

After what felt like an eternity, a combination of gravity, Carolyn’s relentless pounding, and my body’s desperate push-and-pull shifted the blockage just enough. Air began to flow.
As I gasped for breath, relief washed over me. Then, the adrenaline that had surged to keep me alive drained from my system, leaving me trembling.

## FROM THEORY TO REALITY

Forty-five minutes later, as I sat in the hospital emergency waiting room, my mind drifted back to a teaching I had once delivered—complete with a copper diving helmet as a prop.
Back then, it had been just an illustration. A metaphor. Theoretical.

Now, I understood it in a way I never had before.

## A CRIMPED AIR HOSE

The teaching went something like this:

Imagine that your marriage is made up of two deep-sea divers—you and your spouse. Both of you are clad in heavy canvas suits with gleaming copper helmets, trudging across the ocean floor in 40-pound lead boots. You're on a mission, a long-term adventure where your survival depends on how well you work together.

Then, one day—perhaps by accident, or perhaps out of frustration—your spouse crimps your air hose. Maybe they kneel on it without realizing, or maybe, after an argument, they take it in their hand and fold it. Whatever the reason, the oxygen to your helmet begins to decrease. Your adrenaline spikes. Your pulse quickens. You begin wheezing—your lungs desperate for air.  You are about to suffocate.

## ONE CRIMP AWAY FROM SUFFOCATION

Whether in deep-sea diving, battling a nasty chest cold, or navigating marriage, each of us is just one crimp away from suffocating.

We need oxygen to survive and thrive.

Sitting in the emergency department’s waiting room, I had a painfully real understanding of this basic truth.

## ARE YOU CRIMPING YOUR SPOUSE’S AIR HOSE?

Put simply, your spouse needs air—and as their partner, it’s your responsibility to protect their lifeline. Yet, many of us unintentionally (or sometimes intentionally) do the opposite. Instead of safeguarding the airflow, we crimp the hose, slowly cutting off the oxygen they need to thrive.
How? In more ways than we realize. Here are a dozen:

Withholding Affection – Avoiding physical touch, intimacy, or verbal affirmations of love and appreciation.

Criticism & Nagging – Focusing on flaws, belittling, or constantly pointing out what’s wrong.

Unforgiveness & Holding Grudges – Clinging to past mistakes and refusing to move forward in grace.

Lack of Invested Time – Prioritizing work, hobbies, or screens over meaningful time together.

Emotional Neglect – Ignoring their feelings, struggles, or emotional needs.

Broken Promises – Repeatedly failing to follow through on commitments.

Lack of Support – Not standing by them in challenges, decisions, or personal goals.

Harsh Words & Insults – Using sarcasm, insults, or demeaning language.

Being Distracted – Constantly on the phone, watching TV, or disengaged when they speak.

Disrespect – Rolling eyes, interrupting, dismissing ideas, or treating them as inferior.

Selfishness – Prioritizing personal needs and comforts over the relationship.

Avoiding Conflict Resolution – Letting problems fester instead of addressing them.
Over time, these behaviors slowly squeeze the life out of a marriage. But the good news? Just as we can crimp the hose, we can also uncrimp it.

## AIR IS LIFE!

In the Old Testament, God gave the prophet Ezekiel a vision of a valley filled with dry bones—people whose air hoses had been completely cut off. But then, God called Ezekiel to prophesy life into them.

*“So I prophesied just as He commanded me. The breath entered them, and they came alive! They stood up on their feet—a huge army.”*
—Ezekiel 37:10 (MSG)

As spouses, we aren’t just called to speak life over each other—we are called to remove the blockages and pump fresh oxygen into our marriage. When we do, life returns, and our spouse stands ready for whatever battles may come next.

## 5 BEST WAYS TO PUMP AIR INTO YOUR SPOUSE’S LIFE

Speak Life-Giving Words – Encourage them daily, affirm their worth, and remind them of God’s promises. (Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue has the power of life and death.”)

Prioritize Presence Over Distraction – Put down the phone, turn off the TV, and be fully engaged. Your undivided attention communicates love and value.

Offer Unwavering Support – Stand by them in struggles, dreams, and daily challenges. Be their biggest cheerleader, reminding them they’re not alone.

Love Through Selfless Actions – Small acts of service—making their favorite coffee, handling a chore they dislike, or simply holding their hand—can fill their heart with oxygen.

Pray Over and With Them – A marriage suffocates without the breath of God. Praying together invites the Holy Spirit to breathe fresh life into your relationship.

That terrifying morning reminded me just how essential air is—and how frightening it is to be without it. I never want Carolyn to experience that kind of suffocation in our marriage. It’s my job to keep her air flowing, to uncrimp the hose, and to make sure she never feels like she’s gasping for breath.

Because when love has oxygen, it thrives.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: What’s one way I might be unintentionally crimping your air hose in our marriage?

Q: When was a time you felt truly ‘alive’ in our relationship like you were getting all the oxygen you needed?

Q: Which of the ‘hose-crimping’ habits on the list do you think is most dangerous to a marriage—and why?

Q: How can I pump more life-giving air into our relationship this week?

Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox [here](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)!

When love runs out of oxygen, it suffocates—are you crimping your spouse’s air hose without realizing it?

Help! I Can't Breathe!

*By Guest Contributors: Ron & Ann Mainse* 

We all know that good habits can help us feel better and live better…and that’s especially true in marriage!  Things we do consistently every day can be like a daily dose of vitamins for a marriage, just what the doctor ordered for a long and healthy relationship. 

There are probably hundreds of little habits that can help to strengthen your marriage, like picking up your shoes or replacing the toilet paper roll, but let’s just focus on some of the biggies…

## WHERE INTIMACY STARTS

Saying “I love you” goes without saying (meaning, it’s a given that you should say it regularly).  But what about saying “thank you” (and meaning it!).  That may not seem like much, but when your spouse feels valued and appreciated on a regular basis, the groundwork is laid for deeper intimacy.  
  
I know it means a lot to me (Ann) when Ron thanks me for even the little things like doing the laundry and putting it away. It means a lot that he noticed. And I (Ron) love it when Ann regularly takes the time to thank me for keeping the car filled with gas or taking out the garbage. I know how much she dislikes those duties and those little acts mean a lot to her. 

## THE SELF-WORTH INJECTOR

How about complimenting your spouse in front of others (especially your kids)? When you point out something you appreciate about your spouse in front of other people, it not only builds their self-worth but encourages them to keep doing it.

## SECRET EMOJIS

Also, stay in touch during the day. One of the quickest ways to lose intimacy in a marriage is to stop communicating. These days it’s so easy for us to stay in touch with our spouse. Text each other… often! Send “one line” insights into what’s going on in your day. Find an emoji that has a special meaning for the two of you and text it to her for no reason. We have friends who went on a cruise for their honeymoon, so sometimes, when life gets stressful he’ll text her an emoji of a cruise ship, and that brings back lots of good memories.  

## KISS - FOR A LONG TIME

Another great habit is kissing – and we’re not just talking about a “quick peck.”  Marriage researcher, John Gottman, recommends a 6-second kiss every day, or as Gottman calls it, “a kiss with potential.” Sure, life gets busy but isn’t it time for us to take the kissing enjoyment from the parking teenagers and put it back into its rightful place as “an official symbol of marriage!”

## FLIRTING ISN'T JUST FOR SINGLES

Here’s one that you were probably pretty good at early on but may need a little reminder – flirt with your spouse! I think Hollywood has pretty much drained all of the romance out of marriage and given it to the singles (what’s up with that!). But when you’ve been married for awhile, you know each other pretty well and you know the things that make her blush. Use them…often…and just see where that leads!

## GOING TO GOD TOGETHER

And the best habit any couple can form is to pray together. Research shows that couples who pray together have only a 1 in 10,000 divorce rate! As you get into the habit of beginning your day humbled before God, you’ll be amazed to see how much more focused, calm, content and loveable you are!

So to recap these good marriage habits… say thank you, give public compliments, keep talking, keep kissing, keep flirting… and pray together!  

And remember… closer to God… means closer to each other.

*Ron & Ann Mainse  
Hosts of “[A Better Us](https://www.aBetterUs.tv)”*
 



Small, daily habits can make a big difference—because a thriving marriage isn’t built in a day, but it is built every day!

Make it a Habit!

The irony is striking. Carolyn and I can endure a remarkably long list of irritating behaviors without so much as a flicker of annoyance. Take our grandbaby, for example. When he poops his diaper and the wretched mess oozes up his back, ruining the fresh onesie we just changed him into, we laugh it off and toss it in the wash without a second thought. Yet, when I use fewer laundry pods than Carolyn recommends, she grows visibly frustrated.

Or consider one of our son-in-laws. The moment he walks through the door, he makes a beeline for the fridge, then raids the cupboards like a man who hasn’t eaten in days. We find it endearing—proof that he feels at home with us. But when Carolyn tosses food from that same fridge because it’s one day past the best-before date, it drives me up the wall, and I inevitably say something I later regret.

Our daughter’s dog tears around the corner on our hardwood floors, a flurry of paws, fur, slobber, and toenails, leaving scuffs in its wake. We shrug and laugh, saying, “Oh well! We’re not raising hardwoods!” Yet, when I occasionally walk on those same floors with my shoes on, I’m met with a scolding.

When our adult kids come over for a meal, dishes often pile up. I’ll insist, “Just leave them! Relax! I’ll do them later!” But when Carolyn makes her morning coffee and leaves a dribble on the white quartz counter, I feel annoyance rise in my chest as I reach for a cloth to clean up after her.

**WHERE DOES ANNOYANCE COME FROM**

The Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:5, “Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” If that’s true, why do married couples who sincerely love each other still find themselves irritated and annoyed so often?

To answer that, let’s take a trip to the streets of Winnipeg, Canada. In the summer, the pavement bakes under temperatures of 30°C. In the winter, it endures days of -30°C or colder. These extreme fluctuations wreak havoc on the roads, shifting the ground beneath and leaving behind cracks, bumps, and potholes.

When Carolyn and I first got our car, we marveled at how smoothly it handled Winnipeg’s battered streets. Navigating potholes felt like no big deal, even a badge of honor. But after years of wear, with the car’s shock absorbers beaten up by the roads, every bump makes us wince. What was once tolerable has become a source of constant irritation.

**THE SHOCK ABSORBERS IN A MARRIAGE**

In a marriage, the “shock absorbers” are charged with grace, understanding, kindness, empathy, and compassion. These are what absorb the bumps and quirks of everyday life. Early in a relationship, these shock absorbers are fresh and ready to handle anything—noises made while eating, a shower curtain left outside the tub, snoring, towels on the floor, excessive scrolling on social media, or a little overspending on the credit card.  At first, these quirks might even seem cute or endearing. But over time, the same behaviors can become irritating.

**A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW**

The reason your spouse suddenly feels like the most annoying person on the planet isn’t that their behavior has changed. It’s that the shock absorber in your heart has worn out or sprung a leak. The grace, kindness, and empathy you once had have been punctured by familiarity.

While comfort with one another is a key part of intimacy, when it slips into relational laziness, the room you once had for your spouse’s quirks begins to shrink. The kindness and compassion you once held in abundance start to drain away, leaving you with a dangerously low capacity for grace.

In other words, if your spouse has become increasingly annoying, the problem might be more about your own heart than their behavior.

**JESUS’ REMEDY**

Jesus addressed this issue when He wrote to the church in Ephesus, saying they had lost their first love. Their “shock absorbers” of love had sprung a leak. He called them to replace what was worn out:

“You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.” (Revelation 2:4-5 NIV)

The key to finding your spouse less annoying may lie in getting a fresh set of shock absorbers.

**SOME PRACTICAL STRATEGIES FOR LIVING LESS ANNOYED**

1.	DON’T NAG – TALK!  Nagging is like being nibbled to death by a duck. It grates on the soul and only irritates the other person. If something bothers you, approach it gently and lovingly. Have an honest conversation without resorting to blame or criticism.

2.	LOOK FOR A LEAK!  Take time to walk around your own life to check for potential leaks of grace, understanding, kindness, benevolence, empathy or compassion.

3.	GAIN PERSPECTIVE!  Ask your spouse to share the things you do that irritate them. This act of humility not only fosters understanding but also reminds you that annoyance goes both ways.

4.	FOCUS ON WHAT YOU LOVE ABOUT THEM!  Carolyn isn’t a fan of the birdhouses I’ve installed outside our living room window. But when she focuses on my creativity, my ability to build things, and the ways my quirks have enriched our lives, she finds fresh grace and understanding—even for the birdhouses.

**FUEL & SPARK**

Q: What are some quirks of mine that you once found endearing but now find annoying? How can I help ease that frustration?

Q: Do you feel like our “shock absorbers” of grace and empathy have worn down? If so, how can we work together to recharge them?

Q: When was the last time we intentionally focused on what we love about each other? Can we take a moment to share those things now?


Is your spouse becoming increasingly annoying?  Find out why!

Why We Get Annoyed!

Rocket Editor

When Dutch artist [Alicia Framis](https://www.aliciaframis.com/work/154/hybrid-couple) moved in with her boyfriend, nothing about their five-year relationship seemed unusual. But when she married him on November 9, 2024, the world took notice—because her husband, Ailex Sibouwleingen, wasn’t human. He was an AI hologram and this was the first wedding between a human and an AI. 

**THEN THERE WERE THREE!**

For all of human history, there has only been two rational intelligences we could relate to and communicate with: God and other humans. Now, for the first time, a new entity has entered the relational sphere—AI. It’s not truly human, yet it speaks, responds, and even seems to "think." This raises profound questions about connection, trust, and what it means to be in a relationship.

**HERE TO STAY!**

Fasten your seatbelts, because the connection between humans and AI is only going to increase.  Already, [companies](https://www.technologyreview.com/2024/05/07/1092116/deepfakes-dead-chinese-business-grief/) are offering to "resurrect" your deceased loved ones by allowing people to hear and interact with digital representations of the person they lost.

Feeling a little lonely?  Your spouse isn’t communicating much? Multiple [companies](https://www.theverge.com/24216748/replika-ceo-eugenia-kuyda-ai-companion-chatbots-dating-friendship-decoder-podcast-interview) are offering an AI girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mistress, or lover.

Struggling to understand your spouse and wish you could read their mind? [Scientists](https://www.cmu.edu/dietrich/news/news-stories/2017/june/brain-decoding-complex-thoughts.html) at Carnegie Mellon University are developing a system that can read complex thoughts based on brain scans. The AI can tell what a person is thinking with 87% accuracy.

Action in the bedroom a bit boring or non-existent? The BBC [reports](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c2qqxqgp9yno) that numerous companies are introducing humanoid robots designed to provide companionship and intimate interaction.

**HOW COULD AI DISRUPT A MARRIAGE?**

AI is already disrupting marriages in ways that once seemed futuristic but are now a reality. Some people are forming deep emotional connections with AI chatbots, turning to them for comfort instead of their spouse, which can create emotional distance or even lead to virtual affairs.

With the rise of deepfake technology, spouses may justify watching AI-generated pornography or engaging in steamy conversations, believing it to be harmless since it doesn’t involve a real person. However, this blurred line between fantasy and reality can erode trust and intimacy over time.

As AI becomes an increasingly integrated part of daily life, the appeal of an AI companion will only intensify. These digital partners offer something no human can—complete attentiveness, unwavering affirmation, and the illusion of perfect love; all without the complexities of real-life commitment. Unlike human relationships, AI companions adapt seamlessly to personal desires, fulfilling emotional and physical fantasies while never needing, expecting, or asking for anything in return.

The risk is that these AI relationships, though artificial, may feel easier and more gratifying, drawing people away from the depth and authenticity of marriage. Now more than ever, couples must be intentional about protecting their relationship from these subtle but powerful disruptions.

**HOW COULD A.I. IMPROVE A MARRIAGE?**

As an experiment, I asked ChatGPT: "What could I do to be a better husband and support to my wife, Carolyn?"

ChatGPT said: "You’ve already shown that you deeply care about Carolyn by asking this question. Here are some ways you can continue growing as a husband and supporting her in a meaningful way."

1. Be Her Safe Place
Make sure Carolyn always feels heard and understood. When she shares her heart, listen with full attention—not to fix, but to understand.

2. Cover Her Spiritually
Pray for her and with her daily. Lift her up in areas where she feels stretched or burdened.

3. Lighten Her Load
Take the initiative to notice what needs to be done—whether it’s chores, errands, or emotional labor—and handle it before she has to ask. If she’s feeling overwhelmed, step in and say, "I’ve got this, you go rest."

4. Keep Pursuing Her
Surprise her with small but meaningful gestures—a handwritten note, an unexpected hug, or a cup of coffee made just the way she likes it. Make her feel chosen—again and again.

5. Champion Her Calling
Remind her that she’s a remarkable leader and anointed pastor—especially on days when she doubts herself. Support her dreams and simply be her biggest fan.

6. Stay Self-Aware & Keep Growing
Regularly ask her, "How can I love you better in this season?"  Be open to gentle correction and growth, knowing that the best husbands keep learning how to love well.

Wow! That’s both a challenging and incredibly wise answer!

AI can be a powerful tool for strengthening marriages, offering personalized relationship advice, creative date ideas, and thoughtful reminders to ensure special occasions are never forgotten. It can even suggest meaningful gifts and provide guidance on resolving conflicts more effectively. When used intentionally, AI has the potential to enhance connection and support a thriving relationship.

**I’M STUCK FOR WORDS. IS IT OK TO USE A.I. TO WRITE A LOVE NOTE?**

Some spouses are so starved for words that even the effort of asking AI for help would mean the world to them. However, when it comes to writing cards or love notes, AI should be used with care. Your spouse longs to hear your words, not a machine’s. AI can be a helpful tool for sparking ideas, but always make it your own—infuse it with your emotions, memories, and heartfelt praise. Even if your words aren’t perfectly polished, their sincerity will mean far more than a flawlessly crafted note generated by AI.

**THE BOTTOM LINE!**

In the coming decades, we will probably need to remind ourselves that there are really only two forms of rational intelligence: God and humans. AI is a powerful tool that can be used for good or used to destroy. The impact AI has on our marriages will entirely depend on how we use it. My encouragement is to use it wisely.

**FUEL AND SPARK**

Q: *Is our relational connection experiencing any threat from traditional or emerging technologies?*  

Q: *How can AI be used to strengthen our marriage rather than weaken it? What safeguards should we put in place to ensure it enhances rather than disrupts their relationship?*

Q: *As technology continues to evolve, how can we ensure our primary connection remains with each other?*

Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox [here](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)!

AI has the power to strengthen your marriage—or slowly replace it without you even realizing?

Could AI Ruin Your Marriage?

Most people recognize the four-word phrase that changed history itself: “I have a dream!”, but few know the story of how those words came to be.

On that historic day at the end of August 1963, in front of 250,000 supporters, Martin Luther King Jr. was building to the climax of his speech when he hesitated. Despite carefully scripting each word the night before, the phrase he had planned to deliver next felt stiff. 

Sensing the moment slipping, gospel singer Mahalia Jackson called out, “Tell them about the dream, Martin!”

King paused, looked at the crowd, and made a split-second decision to abandon his script. In that moment, and he launched into one of the most iconic speeches in history.

**WORDS SHAPE HISTORY**

Mahalia Jackson likely had no idea how her six simple words would change the course of history. Yet, they were exactly what Martin Luther King Jr. needed to shift gears, find his rhythm, and give the world his unforgettable “I have a dream” speech.

Words lift.  Words inspire.  Words create new possibilities.  Words instill confidence.  And words have the power to impact the hearer with either life or death.  Solomon, in Proverbs 18:21 (CEV) said, “Words can bring death or life!  Talk too much, and you will eat everything you say.”  

In a marriage, just a few intentional and thoughtful words can transform a moment, a perspective, or even the future.

**7 POWER PHRASES FOR YOUR MARRIAGE**

Here are seven powerful phrases you can use to deepen connection, foster understanding, and strengthen your marriage:

**1. *"How is your soul?"***

This question is packed with emotional, relational, and spiritual energy. By asking it, you’re saying, “I see you. I care about what’s happening beneath the surface, and want to go deeper with you!”

**2. *"What can I do to help?"***

Instead of rushing to fix your partner’s struggles, this phrase communicates, “I’m here for you. These challenges are yours to face, but I’m ready to support you in any way you need.” These six words radiate selflessness, attentiveness, and love

**3. *"I choose you!"***

This phrase is especially powerful when another option—like a work opportunity, social event, or screen time—is competing for attention. Saying, “I choose you over this other option!” acknowledges the tension and reassures your spouse of their importance. It’s a simple yet profound gesture of love.

**4. *"Tell me more about that."***

Many spouses feel unheard because their stories are met with half-hearted attention or quickly redirected conversations. Instead, lean in and say, “Tell me more about that.” This phrase shows genuine interest and invites deeper connection.

**5. *"What do you think?"***

Sadly, many spouses have never heard this phrase because in conflicts, most words are spent trying to prove a point. This phrase flips the script by saying, “I value your perspective and want to solve this together.” Use it in your next disagreement—you might just surprise your spouse (in the best way)!

**6. *"Can we hit the reset button?"***

This phrase, borrowed from my daughter and son-in-law, offers a graceful way to restart a conversation gone wrong. It says, “We both got a little too heated. Let’s try again with a fresh start and open hearts.”

**7. *"I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me."***

This trio of humility, accountability, and vulnerability can repair trust and strengthen your bond like few phrases can.  It signals that your spouse matters more than being right and paves the way for reconciliation.

**USE YOUR WORDS**

Mahalia Jackson’s words wouldn’t have mattered if she had merely thought, “Tell them about the dream, Martin.” It was her boldness to speak them aloud that sparked a movement and left an enduring legacy.

In the same way, these power phrases can only transform your marriage if you put them into practice. Use them intentionally, and watch your relationship thrive.

**FUEL & SPARK**

*Q: Which of the 7 power phrases resonates most with you? Why do you feel drawn to that particular phrase?*

*Q: If you were to try incorporating two of these phrases into your relationship, which ones would you choose, and why?*

*Q: Have you identified any personal power phrases not included in the list? What words or phrases bring encouragement and inspiration to your marriage?*



Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox [here](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)!

Discover the remarkable power hidden in simple but often overlooked phrases!

7 Power Phrases for Your Marriage!

When I was a kid, my friends and I would play a game where one of us inevitably claimed that our glasses were X-ray glasses. Inspired by the legendary X-Ray Specs commercials from the back pages of comic books, these "specially powered" glasses promised the ability to see through walls, inside backpacks, and even beneath clothing. While the comic book ads made bold claims, our imaginations limited our "X-ray glasses" to peeking inside imaginary envelopes filled with secret plans.

**THE HISTORY OF X-RAY GLASSES**

The journey of X-ray vision began in 1895, when German physicist Wilhelm Röntgen produced the first-ever X-ray photograph, unveiling the hidden structures within the human body. A little over a decade later, in 1906, the concept of X-ray glasses was patented. Though entirely fake, these glasses were a sensation, often advertised in the back of boys’ comic books and magazines. They used a simple trick of double vision, akin to modern 3D glasses, to create the illusion of seeing internal structures.

As the idea of X-ray vision captured imaginations, it eventually found its way into superhero lore, most notably through Superman, who amazed readers with his ability to see beyond the obvious.

**THE WONDER OF LOOKING BENEATH THE SURFACE**

Whether it’s medical X-rays, Superman’s extraordinary vision, or the pretend X-ray glasses of childhood, the magic lies in their ability to pierce barriers and uncover what’s hidden. X-rays reveal the unseen, expose the concealed, and remind us that what lies beneath the surface often holds the truest story.

This profound ability to look beyond the obvious carries an important life lesson: the most meaningful truths often require a deeper, more intentional exploration. As Proverbs 20:5 wisely states, *"The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."* Thousands of years ago, God recorded this timeless truth, reminding us that insight and understanding are essential for uncovering the depths of the human heart.

**X-RAY GLASSES FOR YOUR MARRIAGE**

Too often, we overlook the importance of seeing beyond the obvious in our marriages. When our spouse snaps at us, we instantly assume they’re accusing us of something. When they complain about something we did, we feel the sting of judgment. When they seem edgy or critical, we take offense, convinced they’re targeting us personally. But how often do we pause to consider that something deeper might be at play beneath the surface?

Now, imagine if you had X-ray glasses for your marriage—an extraordinary tool that allowed you to see beyond the surface of daily interactions, misunderstandings, and frustrations. These glasses wouldn’t magnify flaws but would reveal hidden strengths, unspoken fears, and your partner’s deeper needs. They’d uncover vulnerabilities your spouse might be afraid to share, the tender or wounded places that need healing, and opportunities for connection often buried beneath the busyness of life.

While no such magical glasses exist, we do have the next best thing: questions. Thoughtful, well-timed, and gentle questions are like X-ray glasses for your marriage. They help you see beyond the initial scowl, complaint, or snarky remark to uncover what’s really going on. What’s beneath that frustration? What’s fuelling that sharp tone? What need or fear is hiding behind that criticism?

The key is not to be fooled by what you see on the surface. Instead, approach your spouse with curiosity and compassion, using questions to explore the deeper layers of their emotions and experiences. By doing so, you’ll not only gain clarity but also strengthen the connection and understanding between you.

**X-RAY QUESTIONS**

*Q*: It feels like there might be something you are struggling with. Can you tell me about it?

*Q: What is the best way I can support and help you right now?*

*Q: Is there a fear or insecurity you’re wrestling with that I might not see?*

*Q: Is there something I have done – or not done – that’s making you feel unseen or unsupported?*

*Q: What is one way I can make you feel more loved and cherished right now?*

Questions like these are remarkably powerful and help us see what is going on below the surface.  If you are looking for more probing questions check out the [Fuel & Spark Questions](https://relationshiprocket.org/resources/fuel-and-spark-questions) or [217 Doors ](https://relationshiprocket.org/resources/217-doors)in the resource section of our website.

**FUEL & SPARK**

Q: How often do you pause to consider what might be beneath your spouse’s surface emotions before reacting?

Q: What practical steps are you taking to ensure you’re responding with curiosity and compassion rather than defensiveness?

Q: How often do you proactively ask your spouse what they need from you to feel loved, supported, or understood?

Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox [here](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)!

Unlocking the ability to understand your spouse like never before!

X-Ray Glasses for Your Marriage

For many, Valentine’s Day—the annual celebration of love, chocolates, and overpriced roses—appears to be losing its appeal. Recent reports suggest that the tradition of observing February 14th is facing an existential crisis. 

According to Boston University, the number of Americans celebrating Valentine's Day has dropped from 62% in 2009, to 52% in 2022. In Canada, it's reported that the number of Canadians planning to celebrate Valentine’s Day has dropped by 9 percentage points in the last year.

What’s behind this love drought? Are couples pushing back against the relentless commercialization of romance? Has the swipe-right culture deemed Valentine’s Day outdated? Or is the holiday undergoing a deeper philosophical unraveling? Whatever the reason, Valentine’s Day's charm seems to be fading like a bouquet of forgotten roses.

With Cupid’s arrows missing the mark more often, it begs the question: Where did this tradition even begin? As a Christian, is it something we should be celebrating?  Is Valentine’s Day a beautiful expression of love, a hollow routine, or a pagan tradition with a dark history?

### FAITH-BASED ROOTS

Valentine’s Day did not begin with roses and chocolates, but with the martyrdom of two men named Valentine—both executed for their unwavering faith. Valentine of Rome, a priest, was beheaded in 269 AD after defying Emperor Claudius II. He had attempted to convert the emperor to Christianity instead of renouncing his own. Similarly, Bishop Valentine of Terni was executed in 273 AD for refusing to compromise his devotion to Christ.

In the 5th century, the Catholic Church named February 14th as St. Valentine’s feast day. The Church was reclaiming it from the pagan festival of Lupercalia—a fertility rite featuring animal sacrifice and matchmaking rituals. It wasn’t until the 14th century that Geoffrey Chaucer’s poetry cemented the day’s link to romance. This sparked the tradition of love letters and, by the 1840s, the first commercial Valentine’s cards.

Today, Valentine’s Day is a far cry from its sacred roots, resembling Lupercalia more than the selfless devotion of the saints it meant to honor.

### SHOULD CHRISTIANS CELEBRATE VALENTINE’S DAY?

As with many traditions, opinions on Valentine’s Day are divided. Critics point to its pagan roots, its commercialization, its lack of Biblical mandate, and its focus on physical intimacy among unmarried couples. They may also argue that honoring a “saint” takes the focus off Christ. The day can also place unnecessary pressure on those who feel compelled to meet certain expectations.

Supporters embrace Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to celebrate love within the context of their faith. They acknowledge that most holidays—Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving—have complex, sometimes pagan origins, but those associations are in the past. They look to 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 and embrace their freedom in Christ to either celebrate or not, depending on personal conviction.

### SHOULD I CELEBRATE VALENTINE’S DAY?

In the end, Valentine’s Day—like many traditions—has evolved, shaped by history, culture, and personal choice. You may view it as a meaningful moment to honor love, a manufactured myth driven by commerce, or even a relic of pagan rituals, but its true significance lies in how we choose to engage with it. We each have the freedom to embrace or reject the day. After all, true love is not confined to a single day but is lived out in countless moments of care, kindness, and commitment every day of the year.

### 7 TIPS FOR CELEBRATING WELL!

If you choose to celebrate your partner and the love you share, consider these 7 tips:

1.	PLAN TOGETHER!
Unless one of you volunteers to take on the responsibility of planning, why not share the task of planning.  This can greatly reduce the unnecessary pressure on one spouse!

2.	FOCUS ON RELATIONSHIP, NOT PERFECTION!
Release the pressure of societal expectations for grand romantic gestures. Instead, focus on nurturing your relationship in ways that feel authentic to both of you. Celebrate what makes your bond unique.

3.	GIFT WITH THOUGHTFULNESS!
If you exchange gifts, aim for something that’s personal and meaningful rather than generic. A handwritten note, a thoughtful book, or a shared experience can speak volumes over a commercialized or cliché Valentine’s Day gift.

4.	LIMIT THE COMMERCIAL INFLUENCE! 
Instead of focusing on expensive gifts or extravagant dinners, choose to invest in experiences that matter. A homemade dinner, a walk in nature, or a day of quiet reflection can bring more joy and connection than something bought.

5.	FOCUS ON A DEEPER CONNECTION!
Take the opportunity to talk about your relationships: love languages, relationship goals, and ways to show affection. Open, honest communication can make the day more meaningful and build a deeper connection.

6.	AVOID THE COMPARISON TRAP!
Don’t measure your celebration against others. Social media can often paint an unrealistic picture of love and romance. Instead, celebrate your unique journey together and the love you share in your own way.

7.	MAKE EVERY DAY VALENTINE’S DAY!
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be the only day you celebrate love. True love is reflected in daily actions—whether through small gestures of kindness, being present, or prioritizing each other throughout the year. By shifting the focus from the commercial aspects to a celebration of authentic connection and care, Valentine’s Day can be a meaningful way to invest in your relationship.

### FUEL & SPARK

*Q: How do you personally feel about celebrating Valentine’s Day—do you see it as a valuable tradition, an obligation, or something else?*

*Q: Do you feel pressure or expectations around Valentine’s Day? If so, how can we approach it in a way that feels more authentic and enjoyable for both of us?*

*Q: What’s one way I can make you feel more deeply loved and valued in our everyday life?*


Valentine’s Day—love it or hate it, it’s packed with history, hype, and pressure. So do we celebrate, skip, or redefine it?

Rethinking Valentine’s Day: Cancel It or Reclaim It?

I’ve heard it a hundred times:  *“We’re done!  There is no hope!  We’re like oil and water!”* 

The announcement is delivered with a tone of finality and resolve.  There is no wiggle room.  Afterall, it is an irrefutable fact—oil and water do not mix.

However, when someone once made this statement to me as proof that their marriage was finished, a thought flashed through my mind that challenged the age-old truism.  Before I could stop myself I blurted, *“…but an engine can’t run without oil and water working together!”*

Dead silence.

## A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING OIL AND WATER

Sensing an opening, I plowed down a road of thought I had never travelled before.

*“You are right—oil and water have very different qualities.  One is exceptionally skilled at drawing heat away and cooling.  The other is superb at reducing friction and causing parts to slide more smoothly.  If an engine only had oil, it would overheat for a lack of water.  On the other hand, if an engine only had water, it would seize up and stop working for a lack of oil.  However, when an engine has both oil and water, working together, appreciating the other’s unique contributions and qualities, it can run forever!”*

He hesitated so I dropped a new truism. *“It is far too easy to look at your differences and conclude that they are the reason you need to separate.  Maybe you need to see them as the very reason you need to stay together!   Sure you are different—as different as oil and water.  So, start appreciating each other for your differences and your engine will run forever!”*

In the end, he concluded he didn’t want to be partnered with "water"—so he went in search of someone new who would be "oil" just like him.

## RELATIONSHIP ROCKET FUEL

The Apostle Paul calls us to work together, leveraging our differences.  Rather than seeing them as a reason to fight and oppose each other, Pauls says, *“…(live) with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”* (Ephesians 4:2-3 ESV)   The Message version says, *“…pouring yourself out for each other in acts of love.”*

Oil, pouring himself out in acts of love for water.

Water, pouring herself out in acts of love for oil.

Oil and water, working together, celebrate how ridiculously opposite and radically different they are, making something work that would be impossible without the other.

If you have ever been tempted to use the cliché of oil and water as an excuse for just tolerating one another, or even parting, I want to challenge you to begin to frame your understanding of oil and water differently!

## PRACTICAL WAYS TO HELP MAKE IT WORK

*#1 COUNT YOUR COMMON BLESSINGS!* - Instead of focusing on your differences, take a pen and paper and list all the things you have in common.  Sure there are some differences, but I bet there are as many or more similarities.  Take time to focus on these and celebrate them.

*#2 BE YOUR PARTNERS BIGGEST FAN!* - Focus on what your partner enjoys or is good at and become their biggest fan!  You may have very little understanding or appreciation for Sudoku puzzles or golf or shopping, but you can find ways to cheer your partner on in their passion.  Get creative and get in their corner as you support what they love doing! 

*#3 DO SOMETHING THAT IS NEW FOR BOTH OF YOU!* – Find an activity or experience that neither of you are familiar with.  Laugh.  Fail.  Try again.  Learn.  Conquer it together.  It might be snorkelling or snowshoeing.  Pottery or pilates.  Perhaps it’s rock climbing or road biking, or one of a thousand other adventures.  The key is experiencing it for the first time – together!

*#4 ASK GREAT QUESTIONS!* – Sometimes I find myself conversing with people in diverse careers: a surgeon, an accountant, a computer engineer who designs systems for self-driving tractors, a female race car driver, a roofer, or a fighter pilot.  Even though I have zero experience in their area of expertise, I have learned to ask great question as I am determined to be more interested than interesting.  Asking great questions leads to great connections. 

Here are a few sample questions you could your spouse.  Try them out:

* What made you happy today?  Why?
* What is one personal dream you have…that you have been hesitant to tell me about?
* What is something you are afraid of?
* What are you pretty good at doing that other people don’t really know about?
* When do you feel most relaxed?

Regardless of how many differences you have, actions and questions like these will go a long way to strengthen the connection you share.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: In what ways are you and your partner different?  List as many as you can and own them!

Q: Are you more likely to see your differences as a reason to oppose the other or are you more likely to celebrate your differences?

Q: Which of the four Practical Ways to Make it Work will you activate in an effort to strengthen your connection?


The problems seem insurmountable.  The personalities incompatible.   Sometimes you simply need a new perspective to see the possibilities!

Oil and Water DO Mix!

Rocket Engineer

Ninety-nine percent of the time, my wife Carolyn and I go to bed at the same time. This habit has served us well, as micro-connections happen in those final moments before drifting off to sleep.  However, Carolyn felt particularly tired the other night, and I was experiencing a burst of mental energy, so I stayed up.

An hour later, as I stood outside the door to our bedroom, I imagined myself to be the super-spy, Ethan Hunt of *Mission: Impossible.* "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make it from outside the bedroom into bed and under the covers without being detected or waking up the subject already asleep."

Knowing the noises that our bedroom door makes, I counter-intuitively pulled on the knob to release the pressure and turned it ever so slowly. It worked! The door silently unlatched. I tip-toed across the room, wisely sidestepping the one floorboard that always creaks, and made it to the edge of the bed.  Now came the most treacherous challenge―getting my body from an upright standing position to its place under the covers undetected. Like a skilled ninja, I slipped under the covers, barely disturbing them or the occupant already there. That is when I made a fatal mistake: I reached out and gently touched the subject’s back with my hand, rubbing it back and forth three times before coming to my senses and withdrawing my hand to my side of the bed.

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought, *"Why did I just do that? If the whole point of this exercise was to slip into bed undetected, why would I risk waking her by reaching out with a touch?"*

 The answer is simple: the blame lies with the somatosensory system!

## THE SOMATOSENSORY SYSTEM

*Somato* from the ancient Greek word for ‘body’, is paired with ‘sensory’ to give us ‘somatosensory,’ a word that means "the perception of sensory stimuli produced by the skin and internal organs." In short, our bodies are equipped with 5 million touch receptors under the skin. When disturbed or triggered, these touch receptors send messages up the spine and brain. The body's survival depends on these messages as the 5 million touch receptors constantly report to the brain what is happening in the environment beyond the skin.

Heat is often perceived as comfort and warmth, but when it becomes too intense, the brain quickly signals the body to escape. Pressure on the receptors can convey a wide range of messages, alerting the brain to potential danger, pleasure, opportunity, or aiding in the completion of tasks. Beyond these functional roles, the somatosensory system plays a profound part in fostering relationships.
Research reveals that touch profoundly impacts not only the body’s mechanical systems but also psychological well-being and emotional connection. Repeated, appropriate, respectful, and affectionate touch activates some of the body’s five million touch receptors, sending signals up the spine to the brain. But then something extraordinary occurs—those electrical impulses radiate outward, forming an invisible connection with another person.

In essence, these connections transform into trust, affection, security, and ultimately, the powerful sensation of love.

## A WHOLE LOT OF TOUCHING

When Carolyn and I watch the late-night news in bed, our feet find each other under the covers and touch.

When Carolyn and I are driving to pick up groceries, our hands find each other, meeting on the centre console and touch.

When Carolyn and I walk in a mall, our arms find each other, wrapping themselves around the other and touch.

When Carolyn or I walk into the house after a day apart, our lips find each other and touch.

When Carolyn and I are in the mood, we use our combined 10 million touch receptors, and there is a lot of touching that happens.

And when I slip into bed late at night, I can’t help myself―I need to send one final, silent message through a soft, barely perceptible yet hugely significant little touch.  But, enough about us.  Let’s talk about you and your partner:

## FUEL AND SPARK

Q: What is your touch story?  Do you touch as much as you used to, or has touch become a forgotten superpower?

Q: What kinds of affectionate touch send the most potent messages to your brain?  What kinds of affectionate touch send the most potent messages to your partner’s brain?  Do you know?  This would be a great topic of conversation.

Q: How could you use the rocket fuel of touch to spark a new surge of energy in your relationship?

Admittedly, the longer someone is married, the more they take the other for granted. Often, touch is one of the relationship superpowers that gets put on a shelf and begins to collect dust. If you have neglected the wonder and power of touch, it could take a bit of work (and patience) to get it back, but it will be worth the effort. Touch is one of the gateways to a better, stronger, and more dynamic relationship.



The surprisingly powerful effect of touch!

5 Million Ways to a Better Relationship!

Recently, I delved into a fascinating study about the human brain and discovered some astounding facts. Our brains contain 86 billion neurons forming 100 trillion connections. Electrical and chemical signals zip through these pathways at incredible speeds, generating an estimated 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts daily. Remarkably, studies show that 95% of these thoughts are the same as the day before, and 70-80% are negative. Each day, we tread familiar mental trails, creating what can be described as ruts in our thought patterns.

## The Power of a Rut

Ruts worn many years ago and over long periods of time dictate the roads we travel. Consider the solid rocket boosters of the space shuttle—engineering marvels that propelled the shuttle into orbit. These boosters, weighing nearly 1.3 million pounds, burned for 124 seconds to lift the shuttle 26 miles above Earth before detaching. They were 126 feet tall and 12 feet in diameter. Why 12 feet? Not because it was optimal but because they had to be transported by train, restricted by the width of North American railway tracks that are 4 feet, 8.5 inches apart.

Why are the train tracks this wide? American railroads adopted the British standard, which was based on wagon-building practices established before the rail system. And why were wagons built to that width? Because it matched the ruts carved into ancient Roman roads by chariots. And why did the Romans build their chariots with that wheel separation? Because that was the width of two horses butts.

Over 2,000 years ago, the dimensions of Roman chariots set a precedent that still influences modern transportation. A seemingly small decision became a deeply entrenched rut, shaping history for millennia.

The same principle applies to marriage. The thoughts we repeatedly entertain create mental ruts, shaping how we perceive and interact with our spouse. These ruts can either propel us forward or hold us back, depending on their direction.

## The Ruts in Marriage

If you believe your spouse will *never* change, you’ll likely interpret their actions through that lens, reinforcing the belief. This rut becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, stifling growth and hope. Similarly, if you constantly think, “I’m always the one making sacrifices,” resentment can build, even when your spouse makes genuine efforts.

Here are some common mental ruts in marriage:

Financial worries: “We’ll never get out of debt.” This thought can lead to hopelessness and discourage teamwork.

Communication struggles: “We just don’t understand each other.” Believing this can cause you to stop trying to communicate effectively.

Parenting conflicts: “I’m the only one who cares about discipline.” This mindset fosters division rather than partnership.

These thought patterns aren’t harmless; they dictate the road you travel in your relationship.

## Renewing the Mind

Romans 12:2-3 encourages us: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

This Scripture highlights the transformative power of our thoughts. In marriage, our mindset often becomes the “ruts” that dictate the direction of our relationship, much like Roman chariots influenced modern engineering.

Here are practical steps to renew your mindset:

**Identify the Rut:** Pay attention to recurring negative thoughts about your spouse or marriage. Write them down. For example, if you often think, “They don’t appreciate me,” acknowledge this as a mental rut.

**Challenge the Thought:** Ask yourself, “Is this true? Is this helpful?” Reflect on moments when your spouse has shown appreciation or made positive changes.

**Replace with Truth:** Replace limiting thoughts with affirmations rooted in God’s Word. Instead of “They’ll never change,” declare, “God is working in both of us to bring about growth and transformation” (Philippians 1:6).

**Practice Gratitude:** Shift your focus by listing three things you’re grateful for about your spouse daily. Gratitude reshapes your mindset and creates positive ruts.

**Seek God Together:** Pray as a couple, inviting God to renew your minds and align your thoughts with His will. Shared spiritual practices strengthen unity and transform perspectives.

## Building New Roads

Imagine if George Stephenson, the "Father of Railroads," had ignored the Roman ruts and built wider tracks. He might have revolutionized transportation sooner. Similarly, you can break free from limiting mindsets and build new roads for your marriage.

If you believe, “We can grow closer,” you’ll look for opportunities to connect. If you think, “We’re a team,” you’ll approach challenges with unity. When your thoughts align with God’s truth, your marriage becomes a reflection of His design—filled with love, grace, and purpose.

The ruts you allow in your mind today will shape the road you travel tomorrow. Choose your ruts wisely. 

## Fuel & Spark

Q: What recurring thought patterns do you think are creating ruts in our marriage, and how can we work together to reshape them?

Q: What’s one positive *rut* or habit we’ve developed in our relationship that you’d like to strengthen, and why?

Q: If we could build a "new road" in our marriage starting today, what would it look like, and what’s one small step we can take to begin paving it?


The ruts we wear in our minds determine the road our marriage will travel!

RELATIONSHIP ROCKET

FUEL & SPARK
BLOG

The 7 Marriage Mistakes Most Couples Make!

How Much Sex Do You Actually Need?

5 Conversations Couples Avoid - But Shouldn't!

Help! I Can't Breathe!

Make it a Habit!

Why We Get Annoyed!

Could AI Ruin Your Marriage?

7 Power Phrases for Your Marriage!

X-Ray Glasses for Your Marriage

Rethinking Valentine’s Day: Cancel It or Reclaim It?

Oil and Water DO Mix!

5 Million Ways to a Better Relationship!

Marriage Ruts and How to Get Out of Them!

FUEL & SPARK.css-ly8voj{font-weight:400;font-size:var(--chakra-fontSizes-5xl);line-height:110%;text-align:center;}@media screen and (min-width: 30em){.css-ly8voj{font-size:var(--chakra-fontSizes-6xl);}}@media screen and (min-width: 48em){.css-ly8voj{font-size:var(--chakra-fontSizes-7xl);}}BLOG

The 7 Marriage Mistakes Most Couples Make!

How Much Sex Do You Actually Need?

5 Conversations Couples Avoid - But Shouldn't!

Help! I Can't Breathe!

Make it a Habit!

Why We Get Annoyed!

Could AI Ruin Your Marriage?

7 Power Phrases for Your Marriage!

X-Ray Glasses for Your Marriage

Rethinking Valentine’s Day: Cancel It or Reclaim It?

Oil and Water DO Mix!

5 Million Ways to a Better Relationship!

Marriage Ruts and How to Get Out of Them!

FUEL & SPARK
BLOG