“But My Marriage Is Impossible!”

After my conference talk this past weekend, a man approached me. He wanted me to know how much he had appreciated the message, especially the surprisingly simple formula for a growing marriage: S.T.P. Selfless. Truthful. Passionate. Three qualities drawn from the life of Jesus.

He mentioned how he laughed at some of my crazy mishap stories…and acknowledged the hurt and frustration Carolyn experienced. He celebrated our learnings and growth.

Then his demeanour changed. He lowered his head and said, “But my marriage is impossible.” Then he turned and walked away.

I have been thinking about him ever since.

I didn’t get to find out what was behind those words. Years of disappointment? Betrayal? A sexless marriage? Deep loneliness? Conversations that always end in the same argument? Or something even more frightening?

Obviously, “impossible” isn’t one-dimensional.

It can mean, “We haven’t found a way yet.”

Or, “I have tried everything I know to try, and I am exhausted.”

And sometimes, “What is happening in this marriage is destroying me.”

Those are very different places to live. No quick answer addresses them all.

Now, let me be clear: if you are experiencing abuse, threats, coercion or control, you do not need to prove your faith by enduring the pain. You deserve safety and support. Please seek help from a professional who understands domestic abuse and can help you consider your options safely. “Stay and believe for a breakthrough, no matter what” is not the message of this post.

Today, I’m thinking of those who are not in danger…but are discouraged, exhausted, and tempted to stamp their marriage “impossible.”

WHEN IMPOSSIBLE BECOMES A CEILING

The word ‘impossible’ has created more than a few artificially lowered ceilings.

There was a time when flying in a machine heavier than air, running a mile in under four minutes, walking on the moon or transplanting an organ from one person into another were all deemed ‘impossible’.

Imagine explaining a video call, an MRI, or a library that fits in your pocket to someone living a few centuries ago!

Then someone found a way. The ceiling cracked and moved.

It makes me wonder how often we confuse the limits of our experience with the limits of what is possible.

For many couples, “It has never happened for us” becomes, “It could never happen for us.”

“We haven’t been able to change” becomes, “She will never change” or “That’s just the way he is.”

Couples slap the word ‘impossible’ on their marriage and then stop asking for help. They stop imagining a conversation could end differently. Even small gestures of kindness feel like a betrayal of their own pain…so they stop reaching for each other.

The ruts deepen. And ‘impossible’ becomes less a description of their marriage and more a prediction of its future.

So what does faithful living look like when your marriage feels impossible?

1. Tell the truth about what is happening.

Psalm 13 begins with a question many hurting spouses understand: “How long, LORD?”

David shows us that it is OK to name your loneliness, fear, confusion and exhaustion. He shows us that faith does not require us to edit the facts before bringing them to God.

One of the ways to do this is to try journaling. Write a prayer to Jesus and tell Him what keeps happening. What hurts. What you miss. What you have stopped asking for because it feels pointless?

Then find a trusted friend, mentor, counsellor or pastor who can help you untangle what is going on.

Someone who will listen carefully and ask honest questions.

There is a chance you may even have the opportunity to share these things with your spouse, but don’t rush the process of telling the truth about what is happening.

Remember, you don’t have to solve everything you name. Simply telling the truth is a meaningful beginning.

2. Take responsibility for your part, but recognize its limits.

Romans 12:18 gives us a remarkably realistic instruction: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

If it is possible.

As far as it depends on you.

There may be something for you to confess. A pattern to interrupt. A defensive response to abandon. An apology that needs to become changed behaviour.

Do that work.

But you cannot repent on someone else’s behalf. You cannot produce their honesty, accountability or willingness. And you are not responsible for someone else’s choices that may be hurting you.

Remember, you have a part to own. Your situation is not 100% your partner’s fault. Own your part, but understand the limits.

3. Give hope something concrete to stand on.

“We’re going to try harder” may be sincere, but it is hardly specific enough to make much of a difference.

You need to get specific.

What, exactly, needs to change?

Who will help the two of you navigate the challenges and differences?

What would progress look like?

When will you review what is actually happening?

Luke 3:8 says, ‘produce fruit in keeping with repentance’. In other words, true remorse and a desire to make things better will make itself evident by producing results.

When possible, work together to examine the evidence that the relationship is improving and moving forward.

4. Put your deepest hope in God while you face an uncertain outcome.

If you are a Christ-follower, you have biblical reasons to believe profound change is possible. We follow the God of miracles Himself.

At the same time, not every prayer is answered in the way we hope. And not every marriage is rescued.

I think of those three young men facing the blazing furnace in Daniel 3. They believed God could rescue them. Then they added, “But even if he does not…” (Daniel 3:18).

They didn’t know how their story would end. They chose to trust God with it. Habakkuk expresses something similar. Facing failed crops and empty stalls, he declares, “Yet I will rejoice in the LORD” (Habakkuk 3:18).

Neither passage promises your marriage will be restored. Both give us language for trusting God with an uncertain outcome.

Perhaps your prayer simply needs to sound like this: “God, I believe you can bring change to our marriage. Please do. Help me see my next step and give me courage to take it. Help me trust that you are here, that you care, and that you will sustain me.”

You can pray for restoration while being honest about what is happening. You don’t have to know how this story ends to ask God for help you turn and write the next page.

BACK AT THE CONFERENCE

I wish I’d had a little more time with the man who walked away. Mostly, I would have wanted to listen to his story.

But somewhere in that conversation, I hope I could have gently asked a question: “Was ‘impossible’ a word from God for you, or is that what years of disappointment have made it feel like?”

My encouragement to him would have been…”Tell the truth about what hurts. Do your part. Get help to take a concrete next step. And trust God with what is outside your control. There may still be hope for your marriage. But whatever happens…there will always be hope for you.”

FUEL AND SPARK

Q: Is there anything that I have stopped asking for because it hurts too much to hope?

Q: What truth do I need to bring to God, and who could help me process it safely?

Q: What is mine to change…and what am I trying to control that isn’t mine?

Q: What would one small, concrete sign of progress look like, and what step could I take this week?

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