Top 10 Greatest Marriage Plays: #10,9 and 8

Behind every great team is a set of plays, strategies that have been practiced, repeated, and tested over time. When the pressure rises, the players don’t improvise. They rely on the plays that consistently work.

Strong marriages function the same way. Thriving relationships are rarely the result of luck or perfect compatibility. More often, they grow out of simple but powerful habits, intentional choices couples make again and again.

Over the next few weeks, we’re counting down what we believe are the Top 10 Greatest Marriage Plays. These are the practices that help couples move from surviving to thriving, from fumbling their way through to becoming champions of their marriage.

🏀 #10 — Choose Your Team

One of the quiet surprises of marriage is realizing that the wedding day doesn’t automatically put two people on the same team.

It places you in the same arena.

You stand at the altar. You make vows. You sign the documents and begin building a life together.

But sharing the same home, the same last name, and the same responsibilities doesn’t necessarily mean you’re playing for the same side. Many couples spend years unknowingly stepping into roles that actually pit them against one another.

Some become referees, watching closely for mistakes and calling fouls whenever their spouse steps out of line. Others become scorekeepers, mentally tracking who apologized last, who forgot a responsibility, or who “won” the latest disagreement.

Some spouses act like coaches, offering constant correction about what their partner should do differently. Others serve as replay officials, reviewing past arguments and mistakes with remarkable clarity...in slow motion.

And sometimes, spouses slowly drift into the stands altogether, becoming spectators in their own relationship; present physically, but emotionally disengaged.

Perhaps the most damaging shift occurs when couples start playing like rival teams. Instead of working together against the challenges of life, they compete against each other. Winning the argument becomes more important than strengthening the relationship.

Healthy marriages eventually experience a turning point where the focus shifts. The question changes from “How do I win?” to “How do we win?”

That shift reflects a deeper understanding of what marriage was designed to be. In Genesis 2:24, the Bible describes marriage as a process in which two people “become one.” That unity begins on the wedding day, but it grows over time as two individuals learn to move in the same direction.

Choosing your team means deciding to resign from being referee, coach or spectator, trade jerseys and become a teammate with your spouse. This rarely happens at the altar. It can sometimes take eight, seventeen or even twenty-three years to reach this point…but sadly, many never do.

🏀 #9 — Pursue Your Player

Once couples decide to play on the same team, they start asking,* ‘now what?’*

The answer begins with something many couples did naturally early in their relationship but often forget later: pursuit.

Think back to the dating stage. Pursuit was everywhere. There were thoughtful gestures, long conversations, surprise plans, and creative ways of showing affection. Both people invested energy into demonstrating how much the relationship mattered.

Yet after the wedding, the pace of life often shifts. Responsibilities increase, routines settle in, and the intentional pursuit that once felt effortless slowly fades.

Healthy marriages resist that drift by continuing the practice of pursuit. Love is not meant to become passive over time. Instead, it grows through ongoing attention and intentional effort. The Old Testament book called Song of Solomon offers a vivid picture of this kind of love. In one passage, a lover describes searching through the city for the one her heart loves (Song of Solomon 3:2). The imagery reminds us that love moves toward the other person. It doesn’t sit still.

In basketball, the three fundamentals are dribbling, passing and shooting. In marriage, the three fundamentals of pursuit are:

Pursue with Your Eyes: (attention) Pursuing someone begins with seeing them again. Over time, it’s easy for our focus to drift toward work, screens, hobbies, or endless responsibilities. Meanwhile, the person we promised to cherish can slowly fade into the background of daily life. Re-engaging with your spouse, truly noticing them, their feelings, and their experiences, is often the first step in renewing connection.

Pursue with Your Questions: (curiosity) Questions have the power to keep relationships fresh. While many of our daily conversations revolve around logistics, deeper questions invite discovery. Asking things like “How can I support you right now?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?” opens the door for meaningful connection. Curiosity signals that we still care about who our spouse is becoming.

Pursue with Your Actions: (intentional effort) Pursuit ultimately moves beyond words into actions. Thoughtful gestures, encouraging words, shared moments, and expressions of appreciation all reinforce the message that the relationship still matters.

Pursuit doesn’t require elaborate plans or dramatic gestures. It simply means refusing to let love become passive.

🏀 #8 — Bring Your Brick

One of the biggest misconceptions about marriage is the belief that strong relationships are built through a few big moments.

In reality, lasting marriages are built through thousands of small ones.

There is an old philosophical illustration about a pile of sand. If you remove a single grain from the pile, it still looks like a pile. Remove another grain and it still looks the same. Yet if you continue removing grains long enough, eventually the pile disappears, even though no single moment seemed dramatic.

Relationships often drift the same way. Connection slowly erodes through small moments of neglect or distraction.

The encouraging news is that the opposite is also true. Strong marriages grow through small moments of care.

If you have ever seen the iconic Tower Bridge in London, you probably think of it as a single object. Yet, it is actually constructed from 31 million individual bricks. Think about that! 31 million times, a worker needed to pick up a brick, smear it with mortar and intentionally put it in place.

In marriage, each intentional act is like adding another brick to a structure you are building together. Listening attentively when your spouse speaks, offering encouragement, showing interest in their passions, giving a small gift, or creating time for meaningful conversation, all of these small actions strengthen the relationship.

Over time those bricks accumulate into something substantial.

One thoughtful gesture may seem small, but many thoughtful gestures build a foundation of trust, affection, and connection.

Marriage, in many ways, is the ongoing process of choosing to lay another brick.

Homework

Find two Lego blocks that are similar size and shape.

Every day, carry that block with you as a reminder that your marriage is built one small brick, one small action, gesture or sentence at a time.

Then, decide that every day this week, you will find time to click your bricks together. Take 10-15 minutes to connect with a question, a conversation or a moment.

These could include…

• Asking, “How was your day…really?” and listening without interrupting.
• Taking a short walk around the block together after dinner.
• Putting your phones away and talking face-to-face for a few minutes.
• Asking a meaningful question like “What’s been on your mind lately?”
• Sharing one thing you appreciate about your spouse today.
• Praying together for a few minutes.
• Sitting on the couch and simply checking in about life, work, or family.
• Talking about something you’re both looking forward to.
• Sharing one highlight and one challenge from your day.
• Asking, “How can I support you this week?”

The goal isn’t perfection or a long conversation. It’s simply creating one intentional moment of connection each day.

When you click those bricks together, let the sound remind you: “I choose you again today.”

The Playbook

Every strong team needs a playbook, and every strong marriage benefits from intentional practices.

This week’s three plays offer a simple place to start:

#10 Choose your team. #9 Pursue your spouse. #8 Bring your brick.

None of these steps require dramatic change. Instead, they invite couples to make small, consistent decisions that reinforce the relationship they want to build.

Championship teams don’t rely on luck, and healthy marriages rarely thrive by accident. Both grow stronger when people commit to practicing the plays that help them win together.

And next week, we’ll continue the countdown.

FUEL & SPARK:

Q: Are we acting like teammates right now or competitors? Have either of you taken on another ‘job’ like referee, scorekeeper, coach, replay officials or spectator?

Q: Choose a question and ask it: What’s one way I could pursue you better this week? What hopes or dreams are you carrying with you these days? How is your soul?

Q: What small action from me makes you feel most valued?

Q: Which play do we need most right now: Choose Your Team, Pursue Your Player, or Bring Your Brick?

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