The Myth of Balance!

I woke up scrolling through my to-do list for the day.

• Rake and bag the leaves
• Fix the septic pump
• Winterize the lawn irrigation
• Clean the eavestroughs
• Tidy and organize the garage

I also woke up very aware that Carolyn wouldn’t be helping me. She was joining the kids and grandkids for a leisurely morning at Ikea.

Apparently, one of us would be dealing with sewage...and the other would be enjoying some Swedish meatballs.

EMOTIONS ARE POWERFUL

Years ago, a day like this might have stirred up some deep angst and agitation...the kind that would have spilled out in snide comments and possibly a full-blown fight.

I remember those days well.

“Why do I have to do everything around here?”

“I’m working my butt off while you’re out socializing!”

And then I would have started listing all the tasks and chores I do as I built my case.

Funny how quickly you can become a lawyer when you feel hard done by.

My conclusion would have sounded something like: “This isn’t fair. Our marriage is lopsided. We’re supposed to be equals. We need some balance!”

The problem is, the kind of balance I wanted was a myth.

I wanted to look at my effort, look at Carolyn’s effort, and see two matching piles. Preferably with her acknowledging that mine was slightly bigger.

Back then, I measured our marriage by what I could see in the moment.

My list. My workload. My plans.

The problem is, when we sharpen our pencil and take an inventory, there is always a whole lot of our spouse’s life missing from the calculation.

YOU CAN’T JUST SET THE RUDDER

A couple of years ago, Carolyn and I took sailing lessons in Puerto Vallarta. Having passed with flying colours, we came home and bought a small sailboat.

Being under the supervision of our instructor and sailing by ourselves turned out to be two very different experiences.

We learned pretty quickly that you can’t just put the rudder in the middle and expect the boat to keep going straight.

You’re constantly adjusting.

A gust catches the sails. A wave nudges the boat off course. The wind shifts. The boat heels a little more than you expected.

What worked a moment ago is not working now.

You might still be heading toward the same destination...but getting there requires you to pay attention to what’s happening around you.

Marriage is no different.

We make plans. We divide responsibilities. We figure out who handles the bills, the meals, the yard, the appointments.

And then life happens.

A baby arrives. A parent needs care. Work becomes demanding. Someone gets sick. One of you isn’t sleeping. There are worries, disappointments, changing hormones, financial pressures...and sometimes a septic pump that decides to quit.

The arrangement that worked last month might leave one of you overwhelmed this month.

You can’t point back to an old agreement and assume it still fits the life you’re living today.

You have to notice the conditions...and adjust.

BETTER THAN BALANCE

I’m becoming convinced there is something far more helpful than trying to achieve perfect balance in a marriage.

Learning to respond to each other.

That morning, when Carolyn went to Ikea with the kids, I was actually thrilled she was going.

She had just come through two incredibly demanding weeks. First, she was out of town speaking at a church. Almost as soon as she got home, she was hosting a two-day leadership conference...all while juggling her responsibilities and the demands as a pastor of care, marriage and missions.

The emails were piling up. Her sleep was suffering. She was tired.

She still offered to help bag leaves. But knowing what she had been carrying, I wanted her to go. A relaxed morning with the kids and grandkids was exactly what she needed.

Besides, that morning, I had the capacity to carry a little more. And although I was doing all the yardwork, the weight of our life together was being shared.

You see, that’s what healthy balance looks like...paying attention to what each of us is carrying, and adjusting the load.

FLIP THE SCRIPT

Instead of only asking, “Am I doing more than you?”

We need to ask,* “How are you doing...and what do you need from me?”*

That question makes room for information our mental scoreboard tends to miss.

Sometimes, when we understand a little more, we’re willing to carry a little more.

We might still be tired. We might still wish the garage would organize itself. But we understand why our spouse has less to give right now.

Galatians 6:2 puts it simply: “Carry each other’s burdens.”

I love the practicality of that.

Notice that someone is carrying something heavy...and get your hands underneath it.

In marriage, that might mean taking over the kid’s bedtime for a few weeks. Making the phone call your spouse has been dreading. Handling supper without needing instructions. Giving them an afternoon with the family while you tackle the yard.

It might also mean saying, “I’m struggling. I need you to carry a little more right now.”

TRY THIS BEFORE YOU BUILD YOUR CASE

The next time your marriage feels lopsided, pause before presenting the evidence. Ask each other:

• What’s taking the most out of you right now?
• What are you carrying that I might not be seeing?
• What’s one thing I could take off your plate this week?

Then choose something specific.

“I’ll help more” is easy to say.

“I’ll handle supper and the cleanup on Tuesday and Thursday” gives your spouse something they can actually put down.

And check in again. You’re allowed to change the arrangement when the conditions change.

BACK TO THE LEAVES

That morning, my to-do list was real. So was the work. But Carolyn’s trip to Ikea wasn’t a verdict on the fairness of our marriage.

It was one morning.

I could spend it raking leaves and building a case against her...or I could do the work with a little more perspective.

The reality is that we’re sharing a life and that life won’t divide neatly into two equal piles every day.

Some days, I’ll carry more. Some days, she will.

What I hope we keep getting better at is noticing when the other person needs a hand...and being willing to offer it.

We’ll still need to talk about the workload. We’ll still need to make adjustments.

That’s just part of steering the boat…on this grand adventure called marriage.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: When our marriage feels lopsided, do we get curious...or start building our case?

Q: Do we ever get caught in the “I’m doing more!” trap? How could we avoid it in the future?

Q: When have you carried more for me...and have I thanked you for it?

Q: What’s one thing I could take full responsibility for this week, that would feel helpful and loving to you?

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