The Marriage Killer Nobody Talks About

If you came over to my house and took a quick tour, you would probably conclude that fitness is a pretty big deal in my life.

You'd find a new pair of white Nike running shoes. Not one but two road bikes hanging in the garage. An elliptical machine in the basement. A Fitbit in the nightstand. A running armband for my phone. A sports bag packed with squash shoes, racquets, and balls. A dumbbell sitting within easy reach. You might even notice my daily exercise tracker taped to the inside of our bedroom armoire, complete with a pen hanging from it.

And if you knew me well, you may have heard me talk about my personal "one-song workout"…a simple morning routine I've encouraged others to try.

The problem is, the last entry on that exercise chart was four months ago, and most of the equipment hasn’t been touched in six months.

I'm not trying to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not intentionally projecting a false image. It's just that all those things tell the story of someone I intended to be, someone I was becoming, or perhaps someone I used to be. Meanwhile (and this is hard to write), reality has quietly drifted in another direction.

That's one of the strange tendencies of the human heart. We can surround ourselves with the symbols of commitment long after we've stopped practicing it. We can live for quite a while on yesterday's momentum, yesterday's intentions, and yesterday's reputation.

The running shoes are still there.

The bikes are still there.

The exercise chart is still taped to the inside of the armoire door.

But the investment that gave those things meaning has quietly faded.

QUIET QUITTING

A few years ago, a phrase exploded across social media: quiet quitting.

The term was reportedly coined by an economist in 2009, but it remained largely unnoticed until it went viral in 2022. It described employees who hadn't formally quit their jobs but had quietly disengaged. They still showed up. They still did what was required. They still collected a paycheck. But they had stopped investing. The initiative was gone. The enthusiasm was gone. The ownership was gone.

The phrase captured a reality that reaches far beyond the workplace: we often quit long before we leave. It's true in marriage, too.

QUIETLY QUITTING OUR MARRIAGES

I’ve rarely seen a marriage suddenly and catastrophically collapse. Most often, the couple has been drifting for years or even decades. Somewhere along the way, they slowly move from pursuit to maintenance, from intentionality to routine, from engagement to coexistence.

You see, it is entirely possible for two people to remain married on paper, married in public, and married in their social media profiles while quietly withdrawing the energy, attention, and investment that healthy relationships require.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF QUIET QUITTING HAS BEGUN?

1. You stop pursuing one another.

Healthy marriages are built on curiosity. They involve questions, conversations, dreams, plans, and shared experiences. Couples who are pursuing each other continue to learn, discover, and invest. Quiet quitting begins when that pursuit ends. You stop asking meaningful questions. You stop planning intentional time together. You stop creating moments. You begin to assume, "This is just how things are now."

2. You stop fighting for resolution.

Ironically, the greatest threat to a marriage is not always conflict: it's apathy. Quiet quitters often stop bringing issues up because they have lost hope that anything will change. "It's not worth it." "Why bother?" "They won't listen anyway." So, disappointments remain unresolved, hurts accumulate, and distance grows. The absence of healthy conflict is not always a sign of peace. Sometimes it's a sign that someone has stopped trying.

3. You stop imagining a better future.

One of the first casualties of disengagement is forward-moving vision. You stop talking about dreams. You stop planning adventures. You stop setting goals. You stop imagining what your relationship could become. The marriage shifts from building a future to simply surviving the present. And when hope disappears, stagnation isn't far behind.

A NUDGE FROM JESUS

One of the most sobering verses in Scripture is found in Revelation 2:4. Jesus says, "You have forsaken the love you had at first."

Notice what He doesn't say. He doesn't say they had abandoned everything. In fact, they were still doing many good things. They were still showing up. They were still active. Outwardly, much of their faith remained intact, but something important had faded. Their love. Their passion. Their devotion.

But I love how Jesus didn't simply expose the problem. He boldly called them back to what mattered most.

I think many marriages need that same invitation: ‘remember what you used to do, look at how far you have drifted…and return to doing what you did at the start.’

IN THE END, ONLY YOU WILL KNOW

I may have all the exercise gear and, walking away from my house, someone might conclude that I'm deeply committed to staying fit. The shoes, the bikes, the racquets are all still there. The chart is still taped to the door.

But in the end, only I know the truth. Only I know whether I'm fully engaged, committed, and moving forward, or whether I've quietly quit and am simply coasting on yesterday's intentions.

The same is true in marriage. From the outside, everything may look fine. The wedding ring is still there. The family photos are still there. The anniversary date is still there. The shared address is still there.

But only you know what is really happening behind the scenes.

IT’S NOT TOO LATE!

If any of this feels familiar, don't panic. The good news is that marriages can change direction faster than you might think. One meaningful conversation. One honest apology. One planned date. One surprise gesture. One meaningful moment. One shared dream. One courageous question.

But let me leave you with one honest question: Have I quietly quit my marriage?

And if the answer is even "maybe," what is one small thing I can do this week to start pursuing my spouse again?

FUEL & SPARK

Q: When you think about the early years of our relationship, what is something we used to do regularly that helped us stay connected? Are we still doing it?

Q: Where do you feel we are currently thriving as a couple, and where might we be slipping into maintenance mode?

Q: Is there a conversation we've been avoiding because we've lost hope it will make a difference?

Q: If our marriage was noticeably stronger six months from now, what would we likely be doing differently than we are today?

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