A few years ago, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled half a million pacemakers due to a startling concern—they were vulnerable to hacking. An attacker could potentially drain the battery or even manipulate a patient’s heartbeat remotely.

Thankfully, the solution didn’t require invasive surgery. Instead, a simple external software update was enough to patch the security flaws.

In our previous article, we explored the first mindset update for relationships, upgrading from Version 1.0: Conflict is Bad to Version 2.0: Conflict is the Prelude to Intimacy. Now, let’s talk about a second critical update—one that many couples never download, but desperately need.

UPDATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP MINDSET

It’s taken me nearly 39 years to successfully download a fresh relationship mindset, but I think I’ve finally cracked the code.

It starts with a chair in the living room, carefully chosen so I have a clear view of the driveway. That way, the “target” can never arrive undetected.

The moment I see headlights bouncing off the trees and turning into the driveway, I spring into action. I do a quick spin around the room, scanning for readiness. Dishes done? Check. Floors swept? Check. Counters wiped? Shoes tucked away? Jackets hung? Check, check, and double check. Candle lit? Absolutely.

With military precision, I take my post by the front door—positioned just right so I can peer through the beveled glass without being seen. And then I wait.

My heart beats a little faster, a little stronger.

Exactly four paces before she reaches the door, I make my move. I swing it open to create a deliberate, 11-second moment engineered to send a very clear, premeditated message:

"I missed you. I’ve been anticipating this moment. And right now, you are all that matters."

As my wife Carolyn steps into the house, I take her coat, plant a soft kiss on her cheek, and wrap it all up with a warm hug.

THE FIRST 11 SECONDS

So why 11 seconds? Why not 7, 10, or 14?

The truth is, a first impression is formed in a matter of milliseconds.

Back in 2006, Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov conducted a fascinating study to find out just how quickly we form judgments about others. Participants were shown photos of unfamiliar faces for varying lengths of time—one-tenth of a second, half a second, a full second, and even longer—and asked to rate each face on traits like attractiveness, likability, competence, trustworthiness, and aggressiveness.

The results were striking. No matter how long participants viewed the images, their impressions were remarkably consistent. In fact, those who only saw the face for a tenth of a second (100 milliseconds) made judgments nearly identical to those who had unlimited time.

In other words, first impressions aren’t just fast, they’re almost instantaneous. So, admittedly, the choice of 11 seconds is a bit random but probably more meaningful than 100 milliseconds.

V1.0: FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE JUST FOR STRANGERS

Many couples assume that first impressions only matter back when they first met as strangers. But that kind of thinking leaves your heart vulnerable to relational "hacks."

By relegating the power of first impressions to a distant memory, you miss out on one of the most potent forces in building a strong relationship: intentionality.

Every day, you're making multiple "first impressions" with your partner. The moment you wake up or pass each other in the bathroom. That quick, unexpected phone call in the middle of the day. The instant you lay eyes on each other after being apart. The quiet moment after the kids are finally in bed and it's just the two of you.

Each of these is a fresh opportunity to say, “You matter. I see you. I’m glad you’re here.”

But the truth is, many of us unknowingly send the wrong message and leave a poor first impression without even realizing it.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS THAT SEND THE WRONG MESSAGE

How often have I sent one or more of the following messages to my wife in a single day:

“This text message is more important than you are!”

“This social media feed is more interesting than you are!”

“This little screen in my lap is more stimulating and magnetic than you are!”

“This TV show or game is a higher priority than you are!”

“This assignment or work-challenge could never be interrupted for you!”

“You can wait in line for my attention, behind these other pressing tasks!”

“I am consumed with me! You are not my priority!”

V2.0: WE MAKE FIRST IMPRESSIONS EVERY DAY

Millions of marriages remain vulnerable simply because they haven’t upgraded this vital relationship mindset. But once a couple understands that they’re making multiple first impressions on each other every single day, everything changes. They begin to make those first 11 seconds truly count.

Thankfully, no surgery or complicated procedure is required to replace the outdated operating system. All it takes is downloading a new way of thinking.

The Apostle Paul captures this beautifully in one of his letters: “…you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)

Paul wasn’t describing a one-time performance—like being on your best behavior for a job interview or a first date. He was pointing to the daily rhythm of choosing how we show up for the people closest to us. Every glance, every greeting, every interaction is a chance to clothe ourselves in love and to shape the impression we leave behind.

PRACTICAL WAYS TO LEAVE A FRESH FIRST IMPRESSION

Today you will make anywhere from 2 to 4 more first impressions on your partner. Here are some practical ways you can make it a good first impression:

Monitor what happens in the first 11 seconds and be self-aware of the message you are communicating

Be close enough to kiss, touch, or hug in those first 11 seconds

Ensure that there is no other person, object, or activity drawing your attention away from your spouse in the first 11 seconds

Pay attention to your tone, words, and demeanour. Genuinely be excited to see them.

There is nothing like the first 11 seconds to introduce a surprise. You know your partner better than anyone so figure out what would say “I was thinking about you!”

Pay attention to the next few minutes after the first 11 seconds. Don’t rush back to what you were doing too quickly.

ROCKET FUEL FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Q: Prior to reading this article, which operating system were you running on? V1.0 and its first impression years ago? Or V2.0 with its awareness of daily first impressions?

Q: Are either of you sending a wrong message in the first 11 seconds? Talk openly about what you do and what you have experienced from your partner. Don’t be afraid to talk about how this made you feel.

Q: What improvements do you think a couple would experience if they installed a V2.0 relationships-mindset, replacing the old V1.0? List at least 5.

Imagine if we could just walk into a clinic with our partner and have the "relationship software" of our hearts updated wirelessly. Wouldn’t that be amazing? But as we both know, that’s not how it works. Just like with the updates on our devices, it’s up to us to activate them. Hopefully, it won’t take you 39 years to install yours!