The sidelines are comfortable, but the action is on the field.

Don’t let your marriage become a show you simply watch go by. Participation requires intention, initiative, and a willingness to jump back into the relational game.

Here are 7 practical ways to re-engage and invest deeply:

1. INITIATE CONVERSATION

Don’t wait for your spouse to bring something up. Start the dialogue. Ask a meaningful, open-ended question about their day, their dreams, or their pressures.

❌ Spectator: Waits to be asked; offers one-word answers.

✅ Participant: Asks questions like, “What’s one thing I could do this week to make your life a little easier?”

2. DAILY 15-MIN CHECK-IN

Carve out 15 minutes every single day for focused, distraction-free connection: a walk, a coffee, or simply sitting together.

❌ Spectator: Goes weeks without meaningful conversation.

✅ Participant: Creates a daily rhythm of intentional connection. No kids. No phones. No TV. Just you and your spouse.

3. PLAN A DATE

Stop waiting for your spouse to initiate the next moment of connection. Take full ownership and create a date you know they’ll love.

❌ Spectator: Only plans a date when anniversaries or guilt force the issue.

✅ Participant: Books the sitter, makes the reservation, sends the invite. They make it happen.

4. SURPRISE WITH SMALL ACTS

Do something thoughtful without being asked: clean their car, leave a note, bring their favorite snack.

❌ Spectator: Notices needs but does nothing.

✅ Participant: Looks for micro-moments to show love.

5. LEARN THEIR CURRENT LOVE LANGUAGE

Love languages shift with seasons. Ask what means the most right now, touch, words, service, quality time, or gifts.

❌ Spectator: Assumes last decade’s love language still applies, or doesn’t even know their spouses’ love language.

✅ Participant: Asks, adapts, and responds.

6. SHARE A SPIRITUAL MOMENT

Pray together, read a verse, or ask what God is teaching them lately.

❌ Spectator: Keeps faith private and never initiates spiritual connection.

✅ Participant: Brings God into the relationship intentionally and leads the way with gentleness and grace.

7. EXPRESS APPRECIATION OUT LOUD

Don’t just feel grateful, say it! Name something specific your spouse did today or this week that you appreciate.

❌ Spectator: Notices and benefits from spouses’ actions, but never verbalizes it.

✅ Participant: Says, “Thank you for how you handled _______ today. I really appreciate you doing that!”

BONUS: MAKE A BUCKET-LIST TOGETHER!

Ask your spouse what dreams or ventures they would love to experience. Make a list that you share and update regularly! Then, begin checking them off, one by one!

❌ Spectator: Don’t know their spouses’ dreams and don’t plan experiences together

✅ Participant: Talk about dreams! Set goals! Create experiences together!

In 1 John 3:18 God made a powerful nudge to those of us who are married when He wrote, “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”

Carolyn and I have been married 39.5 years and we are constantly looking for new ways to love each other with actions and with truth! We challenge you to do the same!

FUEL & SPARK

Q: From your side of the marriage, have I been more of a spectator or a participant? Are there any ways you would like me to engage more?

Q: What is one simple act of love or service that would make your day noticeably better this week?

Q: How could we bring God into our relationship more naturally and consistently, without it feeling forced?

Q: What dream, adventure, or goal (big or small) are you excited about right now, and how can we move toward it together?

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