In the early years of our marriage, Carolyn and I had a very “structured” rhythm when it came to our finances. I would blame her for our debt, and she would blame me for my lack of consistency in budgeting. Naturally, she would then take over the budget. Two months later, she would blame me for overspending, and I would blame her for not being able to stick with a plan. I would take back control of the budget. Two months later, well, you can probably guess what happened next. It was less of a financial plan and more of a tennis match, with blame being the ball we smacked back and forth.

It’s Not About Numbers. It’s About Emotions

Money in marriage is never just about dollars and cents, it’s about the heart. Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). Money stirs up emotions like fear, security, trust, and even joy. That’s why the Bible warns not about money itself, but about “the love of money” (1 Timothy 6:10). When financial tension rises, it’s usually not a math problem; it’s a heart problem. The issue isn’t the budget, but the emotions underneath: worry about the future, frustration over control, or a longing to feel heard and respected.

That’s why when money tensions grow in a marriage, they usually follow a predictable pattern: one spouse feels unheard, the other feels misunderstood, and the tennis match of blame often ends with someone walking off the court angry or deeply hurt.

Inspiration from Space

When NASA was preparing to send a rover to Mars fourteen years ago, they held a naming contest. A sixth grader, Clara Ma, suggested the name Curiosity. In her essay, she wrote, “Curiosity is an everlasting flame that burns in everyone’s mind…Without it, we wouldn’t be who we are today.” She was right. Curiosity is a powerful force, not just for exploring distant planets, but for navigating close relationships.

The wisdom-writer Solomon, who lived nearly 3,000 years ago, personified wisdom as a woman and said:

Get wisdom; get insight…The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever else you get, get insight. Prize her highly, and she will exalt you; she will honor you if you embrace her. Proverbs 4:4-9 (ESV)

Later in Proverbs, we stumble on this almost playful challenge:

It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out. Proverbs 25:2 (ESV)

Remarkably, that little Mars rover named Curiosity, which left Earth on a two-year mission, is still poking around the red planet, drilling, searching, exploring, and being curious.

Back Here on Earth

When a couple finally stops smashing the ball of blame back and forth, lays down their racquet, and steps onto the same side of the court, something powerful happens. Instead of fighting each other, they can face the financial challenge together. The shift begins when curiosity replaces defensiveness. Curiosity asks, “What’s really going on here?” rather than, “Who’s to blame?” That’s when breakthroughs begin.

So, what does curiosity look like when it comes to a couple’s finances? Think of it as learning a new game together. And like any new game, it helps to start with a few ground rules:

1. Stay on the same team. It’s not you versus your spouse; it’s the two of you against the stress, the debt, and the numbers.

2. Assume the best. Believe that your spouse wants a healthy financial future too, even if they go about it differently.

3. Be patient with the process. Curiosity takes time. It’s not about quick fixes but about discovering what’s really beneath the surface.

4. Ask great questions. Check your ego, defensiveness, accusations, and blame at the door, and simply become curious…together.

Ask Great Questions

Curiosity comes alive through questions. Not interrogation-style questions, but compassionate, eager-to-listen questions. Here are four categories to help guide the conversation:

1. Feeling Questions

• What emotions rise up in you when you think about our finances?
• Do you ever feel pressure to spend or save in a certain way because of me?
• What’s your biggest fear when it comes to money?
• When have you felt most at peace with our finances?
• How do money conversations affect the way you feel about “us”?

2. Reality Questions

• What do we actually own, and what do we actually owe?
• Where do we see money slipping away without us noticing?
• What does our spending say about what we value most?
• Are we being honest with ourselves about where we stand financially?
• If a stranger looked at our bank statement, what story would it tell?

3. Improvement Questions

• What’s one small financial win we could achieve and celebrate this month?
• What recurring expense could we agree to adjust or eliminate?
• How can we make budgeting feel like teamwork instead of a burden?
• What’s one money habit I have that you’d love me to tweak?
• What guardrails could we put in place to reduce future stress?

4. Dream Questions

• If money weren’t tight, what would you love for us to do together as a couple?
• What dream for our family feels so important it’s worth sacrificing for right now?
• If our finances were in a healthy place, what’s one experience or purchase you’d want us to enjoy?
• If we had more than enough, who or what cause, would you feel excited to give to?
• What’s one bold financial goal that stirs your excitement, even if it feels impossible today?

These kinds of questions shift the conversation from blame to discovery, from fear to hope. They help couples stop seeing money as a math problem to solve and start seeing it as an opportunity to understand each other more deeply.

Resist the Urge

Undoubtedly, even as you begin playing from the same side of the court, you will feel the urge to pick up your racquet and spike a ball of blame at your spouse. Don’t! Resist the urge! If you need to, keep whispering to yourself, ‘We’re on the same team! My spouse is my partner and we’re going to win this game…together!’

Even the Pros Need a Coach

It always amazes me that even the world’s greatest athletes, the ones at the very top of their game, still have a coach.

Trying to conquer money problems on your own can be difficult if not nearly impossible. We all need accountability, fresh techniques, encouragement, and a little coaching. That support might come through a book, a podcast, a blog like Money & Marriage, or even through an actual coach. I’m thrilled to recommend Karen from Money & Marriage! Take time to explore her website, her blog articles, and her invitation to start a conversation about how she could walk with you as your coach. Just click Work With Me.

Every Couple Loses the Fuel & Spark

Marriage can be complicated, and every couple hits a season when the fuel runs low and the spark fades. Often money, sex and communication problems top the list of struggles couples face, but we want you to know there is hope! With a bit of hard work, a bunch of honesty and some really great questions, you can work your way out of the problems and into a season where you are working and growing together! Just don't give up!

Fuel & Spark Questions

We like to end every blog article and each chapter in our book with a set of simple yet helpful questions for couples to use, to start a conversation. Why not start your adventure with curiosity right now?

Q: When money tension rises, are we quick to swing the racquet and send the blame-ball flying, or do we lean in with curiosity?

Q: Which emotions usually sit just beneath our financial struggles: fear, frustration, hurt, blame, or something else?

Q: If each of us could pick three curiosity questions from the list, which ones would we choose, and why?

Q: What’s one practical way we can remind ourselves we’re on the same team, even when money feels tight?

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