Top 10 Greatest Marriage Plays: #3, #2 and #1

Championship teams do not become great by accident. They practice the right plays until those plays become instinctive.

Championship marriage works the same way.

Over the last three weeks, we have been building a simple playbook for stronger relationships:

• #10 Choose Your Team.
• #9 Pursue Your Player
• #8 Bring Your Brick.

Under the letter ‘S’ in the S.T.P. formula: Selfless

• #7 Play With Grace.
• #6 Use Your Words.

Under the letter ‘S’ in the S.T.P. formula: Truthful

• #5 Escape the Rut.
• #4 Play in the Open.

Now we come to the final letter in the formula: P. Passionate.

That word is often misunderstood. Many people hear passion and think only of romance, chemistry, or sexual connection. But passion is bigger than that. Passion is energy determined to grow and expand the relationship.

In other words, passion is not just about how strongly you feel. It is about how intentionally you move.

🏀 #3 — Create Adventure

Once a couple has recognized a rut, the obvious question becomes: What do we do now? That is where this play comes in.

If #5 Escape the Rut says, “This is not working,” then #3 Create Adventure says, “Let’s build something that’s life-giving.”

An adventure does not need to be expensive, extreme, or elaborate. A good definition is this:

‘An adventure is anything you do together that breaks routine and builds connection.’

That can happen in small ways.

• Take a different route home.
• Try a new coffee shop.
• Leave a more thoughtful note than usual.
• Drop off a treat at work.
• Sit somewhere different at dinner.
• Say something fresh instead of the same old goodbye.

These are LEVEL 1 ADVENTURES: Micro-Adventures. Tiny moments that interrupt routine and keep life from going flat.

Then there are LEVEL 2 ADVENTURES: Mini-Adventures, which most of us would simply call dates. A date is a way of saying, “This relationship will not just get the leftovers of life. It gets its own place on the calendar.” Dates remind a couple that us matters.

Then come LEVEL 3 ADVENTURES: Milestone Adventures, the bigger, memorable experiences that happen once or twice a year. A getaway. A concert. A special event. A day that feels set apart.

And finally, there are the LEVEL 4 ADVENTURES: Monumental Adventures, the bucket-list moments, the dreams you hope to share someday. The point is simple: You will never accidentally drift into closeness. You have to design it.

Before marriage, passion often feels automatic. But after years together, it has to be cultivated, protected, and pursued. That is why adventure matters. It creates movement, and movement creates momentum.

🏀 #2 — Settle It Fast

Conflict is inevitable in marriage. The issue is not whether it happens. The issue is what happens next.

Strong marriages are not marriages with no conflict. They are marriages that learn how to shorten the distance between hurt and healing.

Conflicts have a fairly typical trajectory.

It starts with frustration. Frustration becomes tension. Tension becomes distance. Distance becomes coldness. And coldness becomes narrative.

That is when the language shifts:

You never listen! You always do this! You don't even care.

At that point, you are no longer just dealing with a problem. You are telling yourself a story about your spouse.

That is why one of the smartest marriage plays is to settle things fast, before the wall gets thicker.

Two phrases can help do that. “My contribution to the problem is…”

That phrase creates humility. It shifts the focus away from blame and toward ownership. Even if your part is small, own it.

“You’re right…”

That phrase helps you look for the truth in what your spouse is saying. They may not be right about everything, and they may not say it perfectly, but usually there is something true in the rubble. Go find it.

Those two phrases can stop escalation, lower defensiveness, and help a couple move back toward each other much faster.

🏀 #1 — Fight for Your Spouse

This final play takes passion even deeper.

Most of us have heard the term The Passion of the Christ. That is not talking about emotion. It is talking about sacrifice. Passion, in that sense, is a willingness to suffer, endure, and pay a price for love.

And that raises a powerful marriage question: Are you fighting with your spouse or against your spouse?

Just for a moment, picture your spouse is trapped in the tower of a medieval castle.

For some, that tower is fear. For others, shame. Old wounds. Exhaustion. Insecurity. Pain. Worry.

And as your spouse looks out the window and spots you some distance away, the question from inside the tower is this: ‘Will you fight for me?’

Not, “Will you criticize me?” Not, “Will you keep score?” Not, “Will you stand back and point out what is wrong with me?”

But, “Will you move toward me? Will you help me fight what is fighting me?”

You are not your spouse’s saviour. But you can be their ally. You can listen. You can pray. You can ask really good questions. You can speak courage into them. You can remind them they are not alone.

In every marriage, there are dragons that prowl around the castle: selfishness, secrecy, apathy, fear, shame, and insecurity.

Are you going to raise your sword and go kill some dragons? If so, you will need to start by facing your own, but you have what it takes!

You defeat selfishness with selflessness.

You defeat secrecy with truthfulness.

You defeat apathy with passion.

That is why Jesus said, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

A great marriage is not built by two people demanding to be understood. It is built by two people repeatedly choosing to move toward one another with courage, sacrifice, and love…willing to fight for one another.

Fuel & Spark

Q: Which level of adventure does our relationship need most right now? Micro, mini, milestone or monumental?

Q: In our next conflict, how will we remind ourselves of these two ‘relationship solving hacks’: “My contribution to the problem is…” or “You’re right…”? What might happen if we start using them?

Q: Do you experience me as someone fighting against you…or fighting for you?

Q: What is the name of the dungeon I feel trapped in and what are the names of the dragons I would like you to help me slay?

Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox here!

Want more? Check out The Relationship Rocket Formula book here!