When an Asteroid Hit My Relationship Rocket

My wife and I went on a date recently. We both had been having a difficult week with work and meetings, and although we would decompress every evening together, we agreed that something special was needed.

After talking at length about what to do, we decided that a mid-week date could be beneficial. So she booked off work and I made sure I had no meetings scheduled, and we made reservations at a botanical garden and at its restaurant.

We had brunch first, and although a bit pricey, it did not disappoint. The service was good, and the food was delicious.

As usual during our times together, we engaged in meaningful conversation. We covered a lot of ground, from asking supportive questions about our lives, recalling some of our fondest memories, reviewing some biblical teachings, and making observations about our surroundings.

After brunch, we went into the garden for a leisurely stroll among the palm trees, colourful flowers, and waterfall, then up to the butterfly room. As we slowly walked through the conservatory, we continued to talk about everything and anything.

Finally, mid-afternoon, we headed home where we settled in for a rare daytime nap.

It was a wonderful time together, sharing and caring for one another, and a refreshment of our souls.

What made it extra special was the awareness that years ago, my own ‘relationship rocket’ was literally destroyed, crashing and burning completely.

THE UNEXPECTED ASTEROID

Long before I had known my wife, I had been in a relationship with someone else. Not only that, I had been physically and emotionally abused by that previous partner.

In Lost in Space, the evil Dr. Smith traveled with the crew but tried to sabotage the mission at every opportunity.

Our relationship back then had been hit broadside by an unexpected large asteroid. Even though we were actively involved in our church and were engaged in Christian living (or so I thought), only one of us was sincere in the desire to be in the relationship at all. When the deception and affair were suddenly revealed, our relationship careened off course. And, when she refused to engage in counseling, and flatly stated her desire to end the relationship, it was devastating.

I became a single parent with primary custody of two children.

I was struggling emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

Fortunately, I had a few very good mentors who helped me through some very, very difficult years. Without them and the support of the church, I might not be here today.

I was able to focus on my relationship with God. I will admit my faith was challenged and wavered by my experience. I did not seek a “new” relationship… for a long time.

THE QUESTION THAT BROKE ME

It was at church one Sunday when I had been standing with my kids after the service, talking with several people, one of whom was the woman who would later become my new wife.

My nine-year-old son suddenly interrupted us and asked her: “If you were my Mommy, would you bake me cookies like other moms?”

My heart broke.

Her heart broke.

I cried a lot that night.

WILL THIS ROCKET FLY AGAIN?

When your relationship is shattered, you don’t just start building another one right away. If your relationship is shaken or challenged because of some problems, marital counseling can help to get you back on track.

But what about when your hopes and dreams and plans are thoroughly destroyed?

Does marital counseling have something to say about these situations?

It is true that if both partners are following the tenets of relationship counseling, it’s possible that things could have been salvaged. But if one of you isn’t…

And yes, it can be said that all “broken” relationships can be saved and mended through various combinations of prayer, counseling, and hard work, but if it’s one-sided, it cannot succeed.

Could you ever start considering blueprints for a better, stronger relationship?

Even just considering trust alone, building a relationship can be very difficult. Should you even attempt to do it at all?

PROTECTING THE MISSION

I have come to believe that Jesus does not want us to be unhappy. He also showers us with grace and guides us along our paths. And even when we fall off the path, He convicts but does not condemn.

When He met the “woman at the well,” who had been married several times, He spoke words of understanding and did not condemn her for her multiple relationships. He told her to “go and sin no more.”

What did that look like for me?

Over the next while, I talked often with the person to whom I seemed attracted, and yes, we began building a relationship. But with a few modifications and guardrails for emotional and spiritual protection.

In Star Trek, Captain Kirk shouts “Shields up!” when sensing danger to prevent damage.

“Shields” in a relationship are a really great idea. When astronauts are launched into space, they go through months of testing spacesuits, fuel systems, computers, and communications relays before even suiting up the first time.

Systems need to be tested regularly. The sprinkler systems in your church need testing to make sure they will work when needed. Will our fire extinguisher work? Test it!

One of my friends is responsible for regularly checking emergency defibrillators to ensure they are ready for use if needed. Cars need to have a “ten-point safety check” every season to look for wear and tear. And before the pilot of an airliner takes off, they are required to physically walk around his aircraft to look for signs of potential trouble.

A BETTER VOYAGE

I entered into our new relationship knowing that trust needed to be built slowly. We knew that God had to be at the centre of our relationship. We knew that we had to be open and honest with one another. We knew that we would have to be extra cautious and aware of our focus on our marriage.

We are nearing 20 years of marriage now.

There have been some outside challenges over the years, including some that we believe would have shattered many couples’ relationships. However, our deep love and commitment, centred on Christ, keeps our relationship always at the forefront of our lives. Our “shields” are deployed, our radar is always operating, and our life support system is providing necessary oxygen to breathe.

And no one is trying to sabotage our voyage together from the inside.

Although having to build trust from scratch and overcome deep-seated fears and concerns, we worked very hard to create a better relationship that ensures our marriage can last our journey together.

We take the time to talk with one another. We ask questions and discuss everything from our personal faith to current events and the last movie we saw together. (FYI: Project Hail Mary)

We both want to be together in our relationship, honouring one another, supporting one another, and relishing our companionship.

And it would not be possible without a loving, caring, and compassionate God.

He is the God of second chances, and who loves us no matter what.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: Has your relationship ever been hit by an unexpected “asteroid”? How did it affect you emotionally and spiritually?

Q: What makes trust difficult to rebuild after pain, betrayal or disappointment?

Q: What are some “shield systems” or guardrails that help protect your relationship today?

Q: What practical habits help keep your relationship “in orbit” and moving in the right direction?

Chris and Donna Rutkowski have been attending Riverwood for more than 15 years and have served in ministries such as Divorce Care, Single Parents’ Ministry, and even Coffee Ministry! They have faced and overcome many challenges in their marriage thanks to God’s grace and their own hard work and commitment to one another. Chris and Donna note the Relationship Rocket is of great significance to them, not just for its impact in their marriage, but because Chris has visited Mission Control in Houston, while Donna has been to Area 51 and Roswell! A marriage made in the heavens!

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