The irony is striking. Carolyn and I can endure a remarkably long list of irritating behaviors without so much as a flicker of annoyance. Take our grandbaby, for example. When he poops his diaper and the wretched mess oozes up his back, ruining the fresh onesie we just changed him into, we laugh it off and toss it in the wash without a second thought. Yet, when I use fewer laundry pods than Carolyn recommends, she grows visibly frustrated.

Or consider one of our son-in-laws. The moment he walks through the door, he makes a beeline for the fridge, then raids the cupboards like a man who hasn’t eaten in days. We find it endearing—proof that he feels at home with us. But when Carolyn tosses food from that same fridge because it’s one day past the best-before date, it drives me up the wall, and I inevitably say something I later regret.

Our daughter’s dog tears around the corner on our hardwood floors, a flurry of paws, fur, slobber, and toenails, leaving scuffs in its wake. We shrug and laugh, saying, “Oh well! We’re not raising hardwoods!” Yet, when I occasionally walk on those same floors with my shoes on, I’m met with a scolding.

When our adult kids come over for a meal, dishes often pile up. I’ll insist, “Just leave them! Relax! I’ll do them later!” But when Carolyn makes her morning coffee and leaves a dribble on the white quartz counter, I feel annoyance rise in my chest as I reach for a cloth to clean up after her.

WHERE DOES ANNOYANCE COME FROM

The Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:5, “Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” If that’s true, why do married couples who sincerely love each other still find themselves irritated and annoyed so often?

To answer that, let’s take a trip to the streets of Winnipeg, Canada. In the summer, the pavement bakes under temperatures of 30°C. In the winter, it endures days of -30°C or colder. These extreme fluctuations wreak havoc on the roads, shifting the ground beneath and leaving behind cracks, bumps, and potholes.

When Carolyn and I first got our car, we marveled at how smoothly it handled Winnipeg’s battered streets. Navigating potholes felt like no big deal, even a badge of honor. But after years of wear, with the car’s shock absorbers beaten up by the roads, every bump makes us wince. What was once tolerable has become a source of constant irritation.

THE SHOCK ABSORBERS IN A MARRIAGE

In a marriage, the “shock absorbers” are charged with grace, understanding, kindness, empathy, and compassion. These are what absorb the bumps and quirks of everyday life. Early in a relationship, these shock absorbers are fresh and ready to handle anything—noises made while eating, a shower curtain left outside the tub, snoring, towels on the floor, excessive scrolling on social media, or a little overspending on the credit card. At first, these quirks might even seem cute or endearing. But over time, the same behaviors can become irritating.

A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW

The reason your spouse suddenly feels like the most annoying person on the planet isn’t that their behavior has changed. It’s that the shock absorber in your heart has worn out or sprung a leak. The grace, kindness, and empathy you once had have been punctured by familiarity.

While comfort with one another is a key part of intimacy, when it slips into relational laziness, the room you once had for your spouse’s quirks begins to shrink. The kindness and compassion you once held in abundance start to drain away, leaving you with a dangerously low capacity for grace.

In other words, if your spouse has become increasingly annoying, the problem might be more about your own heart than their behavior.

JESUS’ REMEDY

Jesus addressed this issue when He wrote to the church in Ephesus, saying they had lost their first love. Their “shock absorbers” of love had sprung a leak. He called them to replace what was worn out:

“You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.” (Revelation 2:4-5 NIV)

The key to finding your spouse less annoying may lie in getting a fresh set of shock absorbers.

SOME PRACTICAL STRATEGIES FOR LIVING LESS ANNOYED

1. DON’T NAG – TALK! Nagging is like being nibbled to death by a duck. It grates on the soul and only irritates the other person. If something bothers you, approach it gently and lovingly. Have an honest conversation without resorting to blame or criticism.

2. LOOK FOR A LEAK! Take time to walk around your own life to check for potential leaks of grace, understanding, kindness, benevolence, empathy or compassion.

3. GAIN PERSPECTIVE! Ask your spouse to share the things you do that irritate them. This act of humility not only fosters understanding but also reminds you that annoyance goes both ways.

4. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU LOVE ABOUT THEM! Carolyn isn’t a fan of the birdhouses I’ve installed outside our living room window. But when she focuses on my creativity, my ability to build things, and the ways my quirks have enriched our lives, she finds fresh grace and understanding—even for the birdhouses.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: What are some quirks of mine that you once found endearing but now find annoying? How can I help ease that frustration?

Q: Do you feel like our “shock absorbers” of grace and empathy have worn down? If so, how can we work together to recharge them?

Q: When was the last time we intentionally focused on what we love about each other? Can we take a moment to share those things now?