It’s happened to dozens of people: enjoying a day on the ski slopes or riding the rollercoasters at a favorite theme park, when suddenly, the sirens wail, and emergency services arrive—looking for them. The cause? The Crash Detection feature on iPhones and Apple Watches.

These devices are designed to detect sudden changes in g-force, impact force, and sound levels. When a crash is detected, a 10-second countdown appears on the screen, accompanied by a loud alarm. If the user doesn’t respond, a second countdown begins, ultimately triggering a call to 911. However, there have been cases where a harmless tumble while skiing, a snowmobiler jumping a drift, or a rider on a thrilling amusement park ride have led to search and rescue teams being dispatched.

REPROGRAMMING THE USER

You might expect that the solution is a software update or code patch, but it’s not! In this case, the fix doesn’t involve reprogramming the device—it involves reprogramming the user. Those engaging in activities like skiing or thrill rides are being advised to turn off the Crash Detection feature until the bouncing, falling, and tumbling is over.

In this third instalment of our series on relationship-mindset updates, we’re focusing on refreshing our perspective on words.

V1.0 MY PARTNER SHOULD BE ABLE TO READ MY MIND

One of the most common mistakes romantic partners make is activating a line of reasoning that goes like this: “If my partner really knows me. If my partner really loves me. If I am an important part of my partner’s life and priorities, they should just know what I like and need—without me telling them!”

I’ve fallen into this trap more times than I’d like to admit. One time, I was riding my lawn tractor, mowing the unruly patch of grass I jokingly call "The Back 40." In reality, it's less than an acre, but it takes about an hour to mow. It was a hot day, and each time I turned the tractor back toward the house, I would glance over to see if my wife, Carolyn, was coming out to check on my progress, admire my work, and bring me a bottle of water. With every lap, my frustration grew, and my emotions began to simmer. By the time I finished and walked into the house, I was fuming.

"I can’t believe how uncaring and insensitive you are,” I blurted. “I’m out there busting my butt, taking care of the place, burning up under the sun and you don’t even come out to say ‘Hi’ or bring me some water!”

“What are you talking about!”, she retorted. “I was cleaning the basement and didn’t even know you were mowing!”

Oops.

The line of reasoning that starts by assuming the other should be able to read our mind usually ends with a conclusion: “Since my partner doesn’t know my likes, wants, needs, or desires, they must not really love or care for me!”

Thoughts like these, allowed to bounce around our heads, are toxic to the relationship. The fact is, there is nothing wrong with expectations, but we need to adjust the settings and know when to dial them down or turn them off.

V2.0 USE YOUR WORDS

Relationships flourish when we replace the V1.0 mindset, assuming our partner should be able to read our minds, with a V2.0 mindset that says, ‘Because my partner can’t read my mind, I will use my words to describe my likes, needs and wants.’

Now, if the phrase "use your words" seems a bit familiar, it is because you have probably heard it before—decades earlier when you were just a small child. When you were pouting, whining, huffing and puffing, or stomping your feet in a tantrum, your mother probably coached you to "use your words." Instead of just venting your emotions, she would encourage you to begin to describe them. “Give those feelings words and learn to talk about them,” she would say.

You would think that adults naturally outgrow such behaviour, but I can tell you that I have not—I can out-pout most 2-year-olds. That’s why learning to use my words was an absolute game-changer.

WORDS SATISFY AND REFRESH

The Book of Proverbs in the Bible reminds us just how powerful words are:

"Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest." (Proverbs 18:20, The Message)

"Words bubble up from waters deep within a person; a stream gushes from the fountain of wisdom." (Proverbs 18:4, The Voice)

Many of us fail to harvest the rich crop of words that are available to us. Instead of splashing in the refreshing fountain of words, we plug up the well and keep our words buried inside.

Admittedly, it requires a mix of humility, wisdom, vulnerability and a whole lot of practice to get the words out. However, I have experienced unbelievable amounts of satisfaction and refreshment washing over my relationship with Carolyn when I stop pouting or expecting her to read my mind and actually use my words.

PRIMING THE WELL

Instead of expecting your partner to read your mind, try using a few of these sentence-starters in an effort to get the words flowing:

*“Can I tell you what frustrates me in the morning?”

“I would love to tell you about something that would be really meaningful to me!”

“Do you know what I discovered about myself?"

“I think the way I am wired often has me..."

“You would never know this on your own, but I think I walk around with the expectation that"

“What hope or expectation do you have bouncing around in your head that I don’t know about?”

“If I ever wanted to get you a gift, which would be most meaningful for you: An activity? (What kind of activity?) An object? (What kind of object?) An experience? (What kind of experience?)”

“Do you know what I struggle with?"

“Do you know what would really help me? If you would…”

“What fears live deep in your soul? Would you be willing to tell me about them?”*

These are just a few examples of how to begin to get the deep well and the refreshing fountain of words flowing.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: Do you ever expect your partner to be able to read your mind? Do you have any examples you can explore together?

Q: Is your relationship-mindset more tuned to a V1.0 or V2.0 operating system? Why did you answer the way you did?

Q: Both of you choose two of the Priming the Pump sentence-starters and take them for a test-drive? Afterwards, talk about what you felt and experienced.