It came to a stop all on its own. No driver. No hesitation. Just a sleek Jaguar, operating entirely on software.

I couldn’t help but reach for my phone. It was my first time spotting a Waymo car in the wild.

Just a few months later, Waymo had to ground all 444 cars in its fleet after two minor accidents revealed a critical software issue. In both cases, the vehicles were thrown off by a strange but simple scenario: a pickup truck being towed in reverse by a tow truck. The cars didn’t know how to interpret it—and they crashed.

The fix? A basic software update.

Most of us tend to ignore those little pop-up notifications that say “Software Update Available.” But those updates are what keep our devices running smoothly—and Waymo cars from crashing.

And it made me wonder: What if relationships worked like that?

What if, instead of waiting until something crashes, we got a prompt: “New relationship software available. Update now?”

In this four-part mini-series, we’ll explore four essential relationship mindset updates. Download them. Install them. Because they just might be the upgrades your relationship needs to stay healthy—and avoid the crash.

V1.0 – CONFLICT IS BAD

I’m not sure when this faulty line of code got installed in my brain, but I entered marriage fully convinced that conflict was bad and should be avoided at all costs.

People who fear conflict tend to ignore issues rather than address them.

They go out of their way to please others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs or compromising their values.

They often end up stuck in a cycle of passive-aggressive communication, unable to handle disagreements in a healthy way.

They shut the door on their emotions and lock away their thoughts, all in the name of keeping the peace.

I was guilty of all of it—until I finally updated my operating system to V2.0.

V2.0 – CONFLICT IS THE PRELUDE TO INTIMACY

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.”(Matthew 5:9)

Before my mindset update, I thought peacemaking meant the same thing as peacekeeping. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Peacekeeping in a relationship means staying quiet. Hiding your needs. Bottling up your emotions. Silencing your opinions. You walk on eggshells, terrified that saying the wrong thing might trigger conflict.

Peacemakers, on the other hand, operate from a completely different mindset. They don’t avoid conflict—they engage with it. They know that conflict is the prelude to intimacy.

They understand that hard conversations, when handled with care, lead to deeper trust, clearer communication, and stronger connections.

When conflict is managed well, it becomes a doorway to closeness, not a detour from it.

THE UPDATE THAT TRANSFORMED OUR RELATIONSHIP

Downloading this new mindset changed everything. Instead of being paralyzed by the fear of conflict, I learned to lean into it. I believed that a richer connection was waiting on the other side.

Instead of holding my tongue to "keep the peace," I began to speak up—no longer dreading conflict, but welcoming the trust that honesty could build.

Carolyn and I started tackling difficult topics head-on. We learned to share our perspectives more freely, knowing that real, raw honesty s the price of admission into a stable, growing relationship.

The truth is, conflict doesn’t destroy relationships. Ignoring it does.

It’s not conflict that threatens your connection, it’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.

A BETTER WAY TO FIGHT

1. Attack the issue, not the person.

2. Express anger, but don’t be consumed by it.

3. Respond, rather than react.

4. Listen more than you talk.

5. Avoid ‘you’ statements, and make more ‘I’ statements.

6. Work to understand the other’s perspective, rather than obsessing over your own.

7. See it as ‘you and your partner against the world’ rather than against each other.

8. Try to look at the conflict through their eyes. What are they seeing?

9. Instead of pointing out the other’s failure, own and acknowledge your contribution. Literally say, “My contribution to this problem is ________________!”

10. Discipline yourself not to dredge up past hurts as evidence to reinforce your case.

Play the long game. Remarkable intimacy and closeness live on the other side of a well-executed conflict.

Computer systems are vulnerable to cyberattacks and malfunctions when operators fail to upload the patches and updates. Similarly, any relationship with the V1.0 software that says ‘conflict is bad’ is susceptible to hacks, attacks, and crashes. This is one update you don’t want to ignore. Download V2.0, a mindset shift that embraces a more robust perspective: Conflict is the prelude to intimacy!

FUEL & SPARK

1. Which conflict mindset best reflects how you currently operate—V1.0 or V2.0? Take a moment to think honestly. Are you avoiding conflict to keep the peace, or are you embracing it as a pathway to deeper intimacy?

2. Of the “Better Ways to Fight” actions, which one do you and your partner most need to work on? Why do you think that’s the one that trips you up? What’s one small, practical step you could take this week to improve?

3. Can you recall a time when conflict brought you closer together? What happened, and how did it change the way you saw each other?