I’ve heard it a hundred times: “We’re done! There is no hope! We’re like oil and water!”

The announcement is delivered with a tone of finality and resolve. There is no wiggle room. Afterall, it is an irrefutable fact—oil and water do not mix.

However, when someone once made this statement to me as proof that their marriage was finished, a thought flashed through my mind that challenged the age-old truism. Before I could stop myself I blurted, “…but an engine can’t run without oil and water working together!”

Dead silence.

A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING OIL AND WATER

Sensing an opening, I plowed down a road of thought I had never travelled before.

“You are right—oil and water have very different qualities. One is exceptionally skilled at drawing heat away and cooling. The other is superb at reducing friction and causing parts to slide more smoothly. If an engine only had oil, it would overheat for a lack of water. On the other hand, if an engine only had water, it would seize up and stop working for a lack of oil. However, when an engine has both oil and water, working together, appreciating the other’s unique contributions and qualities, it can run forever!”

He hesitated so I dropped a new truism. “It is far too easy to look at your differences and conclude that they are the reason you need to separate. Maybe you need to see them as the very reason you need to stay together! Sure you are different—as different as oil and water. So, start appreciating each other for your differences and your engine will run forever!”

In the end, he concluded he didn’t want to be partnered with "water"—so he went in search of someone new who would be "oil" just like him.

RELATIONSHIP ROCKET FUEL

The Apostle Paul calls us to work together, leveraging our differences. Rather than seeing them as a reason to fight and oppose each other, Pauls says, “…(live) with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3 ESV) The Message version says, “…pouring yourself out for each other in acts of love.”

Oil, pouring himself out in acts of love for water.

Water, pouring herself out in acts of love for oil.

Oil and water, working together, celebrate how ridiculously opposite and radically different they are, making something work that would be impossible without the other.

If you have ever been tempted to use the cliché of oil and water as an excuse for just tolerating one another, or even parting, I want to challenge you to begin to frame your understanding of oil and water differently!

PRACTICAL WAYS TO HELP MAKE IT WORK

#1 COUNT YOUR COMMON BLESSINGS! - Instead of focusing on your differences, take a pen and paper and list all the things you have in common. Sure there are some differences, but I bet there are as many or more similarities. Take time to focus on these and celebrate them.

#2 BE YOUR PARTNERS BIGGEST FAN! - Focus on what your partner enjoys or is good at and become their biggest fan! You may have very little understanding or appreciation for Sudoku puzzles or golf or shopping, but you can find ways to cheer your partner on in their passion. Get creative and get in their corner as you support what they love doing!

#3 DO SOMETHING THAT IS NEW FOR BOTH OF YOU! – Find an activity or experience that neither of you are familiar with. Laugh. Fail. Try again. Learn. Conquer it together. It might be snorkelling or snowshoeing. Pottery or pilates. Perhaps it’s rock climbing or road biking, or one of a thousand other adventures. The key is experiencing it for the first time – together!

#4 ASK GREAT QUESTIONS! – Sometimes I find myself conversing with people in diverse careers: a surgeon, an accountant, a computer engineer who designs systems for self-driving tractors, a female race car driver, a roofer, or a fighter pilot. Even though I have zero experience in their area of expertise, I have learned to ask great question as I am determined to be more interested than interesting. Asking great questions leads to great connections.

Here are a few sample questions you could your spouse. Try them out:

• What made you happy today? Why?
• What is one personal dream you have…that you have been hesitant to tell me about?
• What is something you are afraid of?
• What are you pretty good at doing that other people don’t really know about?
• When do you feel most relaxed?

Regardless of how many differences you have, actions and questions like these will go a long way to strengthen the connection you share.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: In what ways are you and your partner different? List as many as you can and own them!

Q: Are you more likely to see your differences as a reason to oppose the other or are you more likely to celebrate your differences?

Q: Which of the four Practical Ways to Make it Work will you activate in an effort to strengthen your connection?