There’s a museum in Croatia I would love to visit someday, not because it’s beautiful or inspiring, but because it’s real. It’s called The Museum of Broken Relationships. It was born out of a breakup between Olinka and Drazen, two artists who, after ending their four-year relationship, joked that they had collected so many items from each other that they should put them in a museum. They eventually did, and invited others to contribute the abandoned items that marked the end of their relationships. Soon, thousands of people began sending in their own “souvenirs” of heartbreak. Shattered furniture. A noseless garden gnome. A thrift store frisbee (sadly) given as a third-year anniversary present. A parachute rig from a skydiving tragedy. Every item tells the same story: human relationships fail. Promises get broken. Lovers let you down.

COUNSELING THAT HITS A WALL

My wife, Carolyn, and I meet with many couples. Each has a different story, yet it always seems to boil down to the same stalemate: My spouse reneged on their promise. My spouse violated our marriage, my emotions, my needs, and our agreement. Carolyn and I often provide some pastoral advice or perspective, but it frequently seems to miss the mark.

This past week, I had what can only be described as a lightbulb moment.

I was studying to preach a sermon on Hebrews chapter 8 from the New Testament. As I studied, I nearly fell off my chair. All I could think was, “How in the world did I miss this?”

CONTRACTS

Most of us have grown up in a contract-saturated culture. From cell phone plans to prenups, apartment leases, and employment agreements, we’ve learned that relationships are based on fair agreements and performance: “If you do X, I’ll do Y.” We know how to negotiate. We know how to walk away when the terms aren’t being met. We’ve built an entire relational model around the transactional protection of our rights and the fairness of the deal.

COVENANTS

But Hebrews 8 is all about covenants, not contracts.

A covenant is not about getting, it’s about giving. It’s not temporary, with terms and conditions, it’s eternal and unreserved. It doesn’t rely on mutual benefit but on unconditional commitment. And this is where Hebrews chapter 8 blew the lid off my understanding of marriage and the many irreconcilable conflicts couples find themselves in: covenants aren’t about fairness, equity, or transactional performance. They’re about character and commitment. They are what make a relationship a relationship.

In Hebrews 8, we’re introduced to a radical idea: Jesus has replaced the old deal established in the Old Testament with a new covenant. The old covenant was based on animal sacrifice and the Israelites’ ability to obey God. The new covenant is based on Christ’s sacrifice, His grace, mercy, and willingness to do what we were incapable of doing.

But it was my study of covenant that lit up something deep in my heart. No wonder our counseling sessions keep resulting in a stalemate, we’re coaching based on covenant principles, but the couple is operating under contract rules!

Consider how drastically different a contract and a covenant really are.

IT’S NOT ABOUT FAIRNESS!

I was reminded of a story I once heard about an elderly man getting his stitches removed. He was in a hurry. The nurse asked why, and he said he had a breakfast date with his wife at a nursing home. Turns out, his wife had Alzheimer’s and hadn’t recognized him in five years.

Stunned, the nurse asked, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?”

He gently smiled and said, “She doesn’t know who I am. But I still know who she is.” That’s covenant.

It’s not dependent on reciprocation. It’s rooted in character, not convenience. It doesn’t collapse under disappointment. It doesn’t renegotiate when the return on investment dries up.

That’s the heart of the New Covenant Christ made with us, and it is the very essence of the commitment we made at the altar.

THINK BACK TO YOUR VOWS

When we stood at the altar—whether recently or decades ago—when it came to the vows, we didn’t say: “As long as you make me happy,” or “Providing you never mess up.” No! We made completely one-sided promises, with no conditions or performance standards attached. We said: “For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.”

And yet, somewhere along the way, many of us begin treating our marriages like contracts. We keep score. We protect our turf. We issue ultimatums. We withhold love when expectations aren’t met. No wonder our souls are exhausted—we’re treating our marriages like business deals. But they aren’t. And when we miss this fact—when we lose sight of this one crucial truth—everything else starts to unravel.

THE FOUNDATION

The foundation of our faith is that God established a New Covenant, one that is not based on our performance, but on His character, His love, His grace, and His willingness to cover our vulnerabilities and make up for our shortcomings.

However, this covenant is not only the foundation for our faith—it should also be the foundation for our marriage. It is only when a marriage is built on this foundation and functions by these rules that it works the way God intended.

I’m only guessing, but I’m fairly certain that the majority of items donated to The Museum of Broken Relationships were given by people who made covenant promises—and then fell into the trap of living by contractual rules.

My prayer is that the truth of covenant will keep your relationship out of this particular museum.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: Is our story worthy of an exhibit in the Museum of Broken Relationships? What would be the display item? Is this the story we want to write—or something different?

Q: Are we living our vows like a covenant or negotiating them like a contract? What parts of our relationship have become transactional rather than sacrificial?

Q: Do we love each other without expecting anything in return? Have I drifted into a “you owe me” mindset without realizing it?

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