There is something going on in your marriage, and you might not even know it. I know that sounds dramatic, but stay with me.

CASE NOTES: THE GARAGE

Day 1-5, I was completely unaware.

Day 6 - Six days after I returned from a trip, I noticed that every container of fittings, wires, and washers from my garage window sill was dumped on the floor. It was odd, but I was too busy to care.

By Day 9, I decided to text my son-in-law. “Hey! No big deal 😊 but when you use my garage and open a window, could you put things back if they get knocked over?”

On Day 10, he told me he hadn’t been in the garage.

That led to a new theory on Day 11. Maybe it was the house-sitter. I sent another polite text. Another denial.

Later that same day, I landed on a new conclusion. It must be a thief. It would not have been the first time someone climbed through that window. I searched for footprints, missing tools, and signs of a break-in. There were none. Still, I reset everything back onto the window sill.

On Day 12, everything was knocked over again. This time, there were rodent droppings.

On Day 13, I set a live trap.

On Day 14, the case was closed.

The culprit wasn’t a thief. It wasn’t a rat or a squirrel as I had concluded. It was a rabbit. A very cute, trembling little rabbit.

I was genuinely shocked.

Over the course of a single week, I had travelled from complete unawareness, to blame, to assumption, to genuine curiosity, and finally to seeing the truth sitting right in front of me. And it wasn’t what I expected at all.

The next morning, I woke up with a thought I couldn’t shake. This happens in marriages all the time.

THE AWARENESS GAP

Most relationship breakdowns don’t begin with betrayal, explosions, or dramatic exits. They begin with unawareness.

Something subtle gets knocked over. Something small feels off. Something that once felt steady gets scattered. But no alarms go off. No emergency meeting is called. No one says, “Hey, something’s happening here.”

And so we drift.

A Greek philosopher once illustrated this with a simple idea. If you remove one grain of sand from a heap at a time, at what point does it stop being a heap? You never really notice the moment it changes. You only realize that somehow, it has.

That’s how awareness erodes.

And awareness has an enemy. It isn’t anger or conflict. It’s apathy. Or maybe more honestly, it’s busyness, exhaustion, distraction, pressure, and time itself.

The Apostle Paul warned about this exact danger, not just in faith but in any covenant relationship, when he wrote:

Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in the faith. Don’t drift along, taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups. You need first-hand evidence, not mere hearsay... Test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it. —2 Corinthians 13:5 (MSG)

Drift doesn’t announce itself. It doesn’t knock. It simply rearranges things quietly while no one is paying attention.

THE FIVE STAGES WE ALL PASS THROUGH

If you’re honest, you’ll probably recognize yourself somewhere in this investigation.

1. Unaware – You don’t think anything is wrong.

2. Blame – You’re sure it’s someone else’s fault.

3. Assumption – The evidence seems to confirm your story.

4. Pursuit – You get curious and start asking better questions.

5. “Not What I Thought” – The truth finally steps into the light.

Healthy relationships aren’t defined by avoiding that final stage. They’re defined by being willing to reach it, but you need to park at stage 4 for a while to get there.

COVENANT IS THE PROMISE YOU MAKE. AWARENESS IS THE PROMISE YOU LIVE.

Most couples spend months crafting and editing vows for a wedding day. What they fail to realize is that once they make those promises, they need to figure out how to live those promises. Awareness is the first step on the journey of faithfulness.

Awareness notices that something has been knocked over.

Awareness observes the heap is getting smaller and grains of sand are missing.

Awareness knows it is so easy to blame and assume, so instead, it asks really good questions.

SIX OF THE BEST

Your marriage doesn’t need you to be a detective. It needs you to be present, open and a little bit curious.

Here are six of the best questions we know, designed to help you as a couple be more aware.

1. “Do you feel like you have the best of me right now? If not, where does it feel like my attention has gone—and what does that communicate to you?”

2. “If our relationship had a fuel gauge, what do you think it would be reading right now? And what’s one simple way we could add a little fuel?”

3. “What’s something we used to do or share together that you find yourself missing these days?”

4. “Is there any way you feel I’ve drifted, or become less attentive to something that really matters to you?”

5. “What’s one honest truth about our relationship that we may have been sensing, but haven’t really said out loud yet?”

6. “What would help you feel convinced that I’m truly present, engaged, and fighting for you and for our relationship right now?”

Awareness doesn’t just solve mysteries. It keeps love alive.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: What’s something small in our relationship that’s been “knocked over” lately that I may have noticed but not really paid attention to?

Q: Which stage of awareness do you think we’re most often in right now: unaware, blaming, assuming, pursuing, or being surprised by the truth?

Q: What’s one area of our relationship where busyness, distraction, or fatigue has slowly reduced my attentiveness without me meaning to?

Q: What’s one question I could ask you more often that would help you feel more seen, heard, or valued by me?

Q: If awareness is the promise we live after making our vows, what would practicing greater awareness look like for us this week in one small, concrete way?

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