Ninety-nine percent of the time, my wife Carolyn and I go to bed at the same time. This habit has served us well, as micro-connections happen in those final moments before drifting off to sleep. However, Carolyn felt particularly tired the other night, and I was experiencing a burst of mental energy, so I stayed up.

An hour later, as I stood outside the door to our bedroom, I imagined myself to be the super-spy, Ethan Hunt of Mission: Impossible. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make it from outside the bedroom into bed and under the covers without being detected or waking up the subject already asleep."

Knowing the noises that our bedroom door makes, I counter-intuitively pulled on the knob to release the pressure and turned it ever so slowly. It worked! The door silently unlatched. I tip-toed across the room, wisely sidestepping the one floorboard that always creaks, and made it to the edge of the bed. Now came the most treacherous challenge―getting my body from an upright standing position to its place under the covers undetected. Like a skilled ninja, I slipped under the covers, barely disturbing them or the occupant already there. That is when I made a fatal mistake: I reached out and gently touched the subject’s back with my hand, rubbing it back and forth three times before coming to my senses and withdrawing my hand to my side of the bed.

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought, "Why did I just do that? If the whole point of this exercise was to slip into bed undetected, why would I risk waking her by reaching out with a touch?"

The answer is simple: the blame lies with the somatosensory system!

THE SOMATOSENSORY SYSTEM

Somato from the ancient Greek word for ‘body’, is paired with ‘sensory’ to give us ‘somatosensory,’ a word that means "the perception of sensory stimuli produced by the skin and internal organs." In short, our bodies are equipped with 5 million touch receptors under the skin. When disturbed or triggered, these touch receptors send messages up the spine and brain. The body's survival depends on these messages as the 5 million touch receptors constantly report to the brain what is happening in the environment beyond the skin.

Heat is often perceived as comfort and warmth, but when it becomes too intense, the brain quickly signals the body to escape. Pressure on the receptors can convey a wide range of messages, alerting the brain to potential danger, pleasure, opportunity, or aiding in the completion of tasks. Beyond these functional roles, the somatosensory system plays a profound part in fostering relationships. Research reveals that touch profoundly impacts not only the body’s mechanical systems but also psychological well-being and emotional connection. Repeated, appropriate, respectful, and affectionate touch activates some of the body’s five million touch receptors, sending signals up the spine to the brain. But then something extraordinary occurs—those electrical impulses radiate outward, forming an invisible connection with another person.

In essence, these connections transform into trust, affection, security, and ultimately, the powerful sensation of love.

A WHOLE LOT OF TOUCHING

When Carolyn and I watch the late-night news in bed, our feet find each other under the covers and touch.

When Carolyn and I are driving to pick up groceries, our hands find each other, meeting on the centre console and touch.

When Carolyn and I walk in a mall, our arms find each other, wrapping themselves around the other and touch.

When Carolyn or I walk into the house after a day apart, our lips find each other and touch.

When Carolyn and I are in the mood, we use our combined 10 million touch receptors, and there is a lot of touching that happens.

And when I slip into bed late at night, I can’t help myself―I need to send one final, silent message through a soft, barely perceptible yet hugely significant little touch. But, enough about us. Let’s talk about you and your partner:

FUEL AND SPARK

Q: What is your touch story? Do you touch as much as you used to, or has touch become a forgotten superpower?

Q: What kinds of affectionate touch send the most potent messages to your brain? What kinds of affectionate touch send the most potent messages to your partner’s brain? Do you know? This would be a great topic of conversation.

Q: How could you use the rocket fuel of touch to spark a new surge of energy in your relationship?

Admittedly, the longer someone is married, the more they take the other for granted. Often, touch is one of the relationship superpowers that gets put on a shelf and begins to collect dust. If you have neglected the wonder and power of touch, it could take a bit of work (and patience) to get it back, but it will be worth the effort. Touch is one of the gateways to a better, stronger, and more dynamic relationship.