The next few minutes may very well save your marriage or take it to a new level! It has it all: money, dreams, betrayal, conflcit, disappointments and sex!

THE BLONDE PONYTAIL

About five years into our marriage, I found myself at a pastor’s prayer retreat while Carolyn stayed home, unable to get time off work. Though the term "prayer retreat" might evoke images of silent monks in a monastery, this gathering was anything but. Between sessions of teaching, worship, and prayer, it felt more like a reunion—pastors and spouses catching up over junk food, games, and laughter in cozy chalets.

With Carolyn stuck at home, I was flying solo, and my solo flight was about to hit some pretty unexpected and menacing turbulence.

As I walked into the first session of the retreat, my eyes began scanning the room for anyone I might recognize. That is when I spotted her—a young woman wearing a ball cap with a blonde ponytail sticking out the back of the cap. Had I simply noticed that she was very attractive and continued the search for people I knew, all would have been fine. Yet, I found myself continuing to glance back at her, unable to break the magnetic attraction. The fact that she was sitting with her husband did nothing to dissuade my glances.

I fought to focus on the session, battling the unwanted thoughts, but the struggle felt impossible. Afterward, I jumped at an invitation to join a group of pastors and spouses for snacks and games at a chalet—anything to escape the distraction.

NO ESCAPE

Twenty minutes later, I knocked on the door to the chalet. The door swung open to a living room buzzing with youth pastors and spouses. It felt good to be free of unwanted emotions and mental temptations. However, seconds later, ponytail girl came walking out of the kitchen, smiling and offering a bowl full of chips.

My jaw nearly hit the floor. I scooped it up quickly, turned to the host and made some flimsy excuse for why I needed to leave.

With the snow crunching under my feet, I walked away from the party in the chalet and could not help but feel a bit embarrassed by my naivety – I had thought that this gold band on my finger would have protected me from such blatant wanderings of the heart. It did not.

THE HARDEST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE

I knew the only way to kill these unwanted feelings, and wandering eyes was to talk to someone, so I made one of the most daring phone calls of my life. I called Carolyn and told her about my struggle and the woman with the ponytail sticking out of her ball cap.

That phone call and the honest conversations that followed became a turning point for us. We resolved to have no secrets and to tackle the tough conversations head-on—especially the five most challenging ones.

Carolyn and I share the full story in The Relationship Rocket Formula, but for now, let me encourage you: difficult conversations are worth it. They can strengthen your relationship in ways you never imagined.

CONVERSATION #1 – Money and Finances

Few topics are as emotionally charged as money. Whether or not we realize it, many of us have a complicated relationship with money. It can spark wild dreams, awaken deep desires, stir feelings of shame, ignite fears, and even fuel power struggles between spouses. It’s no surprise that financial issues are among the most common sources of relational conflict.

Many couples avoid the topic altogether in an effort to avoid conflict. But this approach is like putting a band-aid on a broken arm—it doesn’t address the root issues or offer real solutions.

The key to navigating financial conversations is learning to regulate emotions, communicate without blame or shame, and focus on solving problems together. When couples approach money as a shared challenge rather than a battlefield, almost any financial issue becomes manageable.

The first step is defining reality. It might be uncomfortable, but you need to get a clear picture of your financial situation—credit card debt, monthly expenses, loan payments, mortgage, and bank balances. Often, the fear of the unknown is worse than the reality itself.

Once you’ve defined your current situation, the next step is planning your future. Set goals, create a budget, and tackle your finances as a team. Remember, your partner isn’t your opponent—they’re your teammate. Celebrate small wins along the way to build momentum and confidence.

Addressing money struggles isn’t just about solving financial problems. It’s about building trust, strengthening communication, and fostering a deeper intimacy that will benefit your relationship in every area.

CONVERSATION #2 – Hurts and Disappointments

Nothing erodes a marriage faster than unresolved issues lurking in the background. These "skeletons in the closet" have a way of resurfacing, haunting our thoughts, and disrupting our emotional connection.

If you and your spouse haven’t developed a habit of clearing the slate and keeping short accounts, addressing these hidden hurts can feel daunting. But true intimacy in marriage is impossible while old wounds continue to linger in the shadows.

The problem with skeletons is that they rarely stay hidden. They often resurface at the worst times—like during a heated argument—fueling the fire and using your voice to remind your partner of every past disappointment and failure.

If you suspect there are unresolved issues rattling around, start by being honest with yourself. Take time to privately journal your hurts and disappointments, writing each one on a separate piece of paper. This exercise helps you acknowledge what you’re carrying.

Next, share this exercise with your spouse and invite them to do the same. If they’re willing, schedule what Carolyn and I call a "Conference Date." This is a purposeful meeting in a neutral, public setting—like a café or restaurant—designed to create a constructive and safe environment for addressing these issues.

During your Conference Date, gently and honestly work through one item at a time. Acknowledge, own, and forgive each hurt or disappointment. As you resolve each issue, destroy the paper it’s written on—crumple it, shred it, or burn it—as a symbolic act of letting go. This process may take several months, and multiple Conference Dates, but the healing and freedom it brings are worth the effort.

If the weight of these issues feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a coach or counselor. Sometimes, professional support can make all the difference in navigating deep or complex hurts.

CONVERSATION #3 – Temptations and Vulnerabilities

I’ll never forget the time in the early years of our marriage when I confessed to Carolyn about my struggle with looking at sensual media. I'm pretty sure it didn't fit the classic definition of pornography, yet it was a persistent temptation, something that quietly pulled at me, and I realized I couldn’t fight it alone.

It was during this season that Carolyn and I embraced a simple yet powerful principle: what is spoken can be broken. We discovered that temptations and hidden struggles lose their grip when they’re brought into the light. That little phrase became our rallying cry—a reminder to be honest with each other, even when it was hard.

When I shared my struggle, Carolyn was devastated. She felt compared to and devalued, and her pain led to many difficult conversations as we worked through the emotions together. But that honesty, though painful at first, became a turning point in our marriage.

One pastor refers to these moments as “entering the tunnel of chaos.” It’s a step into the unknown, with no guarantee of how things will unfold. Yet, the only way to experience the closeness and intimacy waiting on the other side is to journey through the tunnel—there’s no way around it, no shortcuts.

Too many couples believe they can avoid these hard conversations and still build a healthy, dynamic relationship. But the truth is, avoiding the tough stuff only creates distance. Real growth and connection require the courage to face the chaos together.

CONVERSATION #4 – Desires and Hopes

The dream machine in my head admittedly runs about three times faster than Carolyn’s, yet she has her fair share of grandiose dreams. Over the years, her dreams have included leading mission trips to eSwatini, Africa; hosting marriage conferences; upgrading our living room furniture; visiting the royal castles of London and the canals of Venice; hosting three weddings for our daughters; and becoming a grandparent. My list is far too long to name, but some highlights include restoring a mid-’70s Triumph Spitfire, living on an acreage, restoring five old buildings for our church to call home, traveling to far-off places, and a dream still waiting to be fulfilled—owning a sailboat.

Over our nearly 40 years of marriage, we have given one another permission to dream big – after all, dreams are free. This has paved the way for many adventures. Yet many of the desires and hopes we find ourselves regularly talking about have nothing to do with travel or adventure. When one feels a bit neglected, we talk about it. When one of us would like a little more social time with friends, even though the other is something of an introvert, we talk about it. When one of us feels the passion tank has been running a little dry, we talk about it.

We often call these discussions our “throwing spaghetti on the ceiling” conversations. It’s a playful way of saying we’re making a bit of a mess, exfoliating our souls, and seeing what sticks. Half the time, nothing sticks, and the idea simply evaporates. But we cherish the chance to get what’s on the inside out into the open.

CONVERSATION #5 – Intimacy and Sexual Fulfillment

It never ceases to amaze me that couples can routinely take their clothes of, get completely naked, rub their bodies against one another in the pursuit of pleasure yet find it impossible to use their words to talk about their experience. Obviously, there is something more intimate than having sex – and that is talking about it.

Discussing sex is a skill, much like sex itself—it takes time, practice, and patience to get it right. When couples avoid developing the courage, vulnerability, and vocabulary to talk about their sexual relationship, they miss out on one of the deepest expressions of intimacy.

Instead of offering more theory, let’s get practical. Here are some actionable conversation starters to help you begin this important dialogue. At first, the words may feel awkward or unnatural, and you might be tempted to generalize. Take is slow, push yourself to be as specific as possible and have some fun with it.

•* “Do you feel comfortable talking with me about our bedroom experiences?” • “Can you share what you enjoy most when we’re together sexually?” • “How do you feel about the frequency of our lovemaking?” • “What do you think could make our sex life even better?” • “Is there something we’re not doing that you’d like to try?” • “Is there anything I’m doing—or we’re doing—that you’d prefer we didn’t?” • “What’s something we’ve never done in the bedroom (or elsewhere) that you’d like to explore?” • “Is there anything else on your mind about our intimate connection that you’d like to discuss?”*

These questions are designed to create a safe space for open communication, foster deeper understanding, and help you grow closer as a couple. Take it slow, be honest, and remember to have fun along the way!

DEFUSING THE EXPLOSIVENESS

For many couples, conversations like these can stir up fear and ignite intense emotions. However, it is through vulnerable and truth-filled words that healing and intimacy are forged. Proverbs 12:18 reminds us,* "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."*

Similarly, Proverbs 15:1 offers wisdom: "A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare."

Difficult conversations are essential, but the way you approach them matters. Ensure your words and tone are gentle, thoughtful, and rooted in love to create an environment where understanding and growth can thrive.

If you and your spouse have been avoiding any of these five critical conversations, here’s a practical starting point:

1. Sit down together and read this post out loud.
2. Use the following Fuel & Spark questions to help ignite meaningful dialogue and begin the journey toward deeper connection.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: Which of the 5 Conversations Couples Avoid do you feel like we have been avoiding? Why do you think we have been avoiding it/them?

Q: If we were to attempt one of the five conversations, which should we tackle first? How would you feel about setting up a Conference Date to discuss the topic? Is it a conversation you feel we can manage on our own or might we need some outside help facilitating it?

Q: What do you think lies on the other side of any tunnels of chaos we may need to walk through conversationally? What is your hope or vision for what our relationship might become?